I know I know, its been a LONG while since I last updated my blog. Big whoop, I have had a lot to deal with lately. Aside from a false positive when taking an HPT (pardon the acronyms, its my language now) and then having to undergo another HSG, we are moving to Germany and the process is draining. Passports, orders, shipping instructions, briefings, and schedules are my life now. Somewhere in there I am trying to maintain a positive attitude about TTC and trying not to be negative about this move (will they steal our stuff??). I love God, dont get me wrong, but when is enough enough? I know that He is bigger than anything and everything and everyone, but why am I having trouble trusting Him in this one area? For crying out loud (which I tend to do a lot of lately) He formed Himself a body in the womb of a VIRGIN (when I am far from nowadays) so why is He not forming a baby in my womb? I managed to get KU last year and I wasnt even on any meds. Of course we ALL know how that one ended...I am not mad at God for that anymore because I realize that He didnt do that to me. I try to be positive everyday and let God know that I really do trust Him with this, when the fact is that I am struggling with just this little area. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR HIM TO HELP ME GET KU?? Crackheads, bad parents, child molesters, pedophiles, and murderers become parents every single day...people who would rather throw their precious children off of bridges or give birth to babies in toilets during prom in between slow dance songs...but someone who would love a child of her own womb more than anything cannot even manage to sustain one pregnancy? HELP ME GOD where are you in all this? I took you out of this little box I had put you in for so very long, because I wanted you to work the miracles and Be God over my life...but where are you in this situation? My husband even prayed for me this morning. He even made a good point when he said, "Maybe God isnt giving you children because you arent grateful for what He has already given you." You know what? Sometimes the answers are so obvious and we continue looking at complex explanations. Maybe I am not grateful for what He has given me so far in my life. A wonderful husband, a great family who would do anything for me, friends to die for, and many blessings time and time again. God will not bless me with children if I cannot praise Him enough for what I have already. Talk about a revelation! Guess this blog kind of helped me with my struggles.....give God the glory for what I have and let His praises be continuously in my mouth...do not worry about the affairs of this world...if God gives the lily of a field a beautiful place to live and grow will He not provide for me what I need? Putting God first will result in Him putting you first. Want children? Be grateful for the family you already have so that you will have enough praises for Him when you do finally get the offspring you've been praying for. It is not the will of God to have any child harmed or murdered...the enemy is strong in those who are weak and sometimes the innocent get caught inbetween. God has a special place for those children, I know that. Thank you God for everything and everyone in my life. You have saved me from the snare of the enemy and provided for every need in my life. I look for you and there you are, I call out your name and you are beside me. My family, friends, and especially my husband...you have blessed me with these loved ones so that I may know love unconditionally and that I may give back that love by spreading your word. I love you Jesus, with all my heart. My hopes, dreams, and goals of becoming a mother are in Your hands. Your hands are capable and able. You are God alone. Nevermore will I worry or wonder. His eye is in the sparrow and I know He watches over me.
