WANTED: MOM 4 HIRE
MUST PROVIDE YOUR OWN OVUM!!
Seeking a qualified female candidate to fill the position of “mom” for an indefinite amount of time with the main responsibilities ranging from the age of conception through 18 years. Must be available 7 days a week, 24 hours a day with no question. Hours include weekends and holidays, all vacations will include children from here on out.
Responsibilities and Qualifications include, but are not limited to:
- Housekeeper, maid, servant.
- Short order cook/ gourmet chef.
- Teacher, philosopher, therapist, religious and academic advisor.
- Nurse, doctor, and surgeon; healer of all boo boos.
- Maintenance and janitorial personnel.
- Event Coordinator
- Open daycare during preschool and preteen years.
- Judge, jury, and executioner (figuratively speaking, of course).
- Nutritionist
- Must be able to see through hurt and pain to the root of the problem.
- Mind Reader
- Fortune Teller
- Laundress, to include occasional ironing and scrubbing off of dirt and grime.
- Interior Design
- Plumber, electrician, remover of peas from ears with precision.
- Landscape artist/groundskeeper.
- Must be able to be both mom and dad when necessary.
- Administrative Assistant
- Chief Executive Officer
- Taxi driver/chauffeur
- Must be able to coach any sports team and do it well, and occasionally transport said team.
- Experienced in negotiations and “the talk”
- Extensive knowledge of all things “why?”
- Accountant and bank teller.
- Logistics Analyst
- Computer whiz, to include removing the occasional slice of bologna from the hard drive.
- Counselor, specializing in “first loves” and heartbreak.
- Must possess instant healing kisses and provide them on demand.
- Must possess a nurturing attitude and comforting heart.
- Computer Operator and systems analyst.
YEARLY SALARY FOR THIS POSITION IS: $165,125 including a nice benefits package.
*All applicants who choose to submit an application, please include a fertile ovum with your submission. All candidates who meet the criteria will be contacted with an expected due date. THIS PARTICULAR JOB DOES NOT COME WITH INSTRUCTIONS NOR WILL YOU RECEIVE ANY TRAINING. WE EXPECT YOU TO PERFORM YOUR DUTIES WITHOUT FAIL OR FACE PUBLIC SCRUTINITY BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN HAVE CHILDREN.
