Recently I had taken a few hours out of my life to contemplate my moods and my attitudes towards all the chaos that seems to have thrown itself our way lately and ask God to show me where all this was coming from and how I can change. For the most part, I have accepted that our lives have taken a completely different path than we ever had planned and that there is absolutely no going back...unless I get a wild hair and join the Navy (which, I have been told, I shouldn't count out yet). Anyway, during this little bit of soul searching I discovered that I have been extremely negative in my responses and outward emotions lately and my attitude has not been on par. Granted, we've been thrown some major curve balls lately and let's face it, my batting average was never anything to brag about...but then I started to notice those around me were acting differently towards me. This got me thinking about my negativity and how I may be coming across to others. This was a major reality check for me; I am typically a pretty happy and nice person...who was this negative nancy that appeared out of nowhere? The stress between finances, employment, Travis' DoD and VA stuff, worried about what the future holds, and every day life for us...it was beginning to be too much for me to handle. Then I realized, why would anyone want to speak to me or be around me if all I am going to do is bring them down? I don't want to be a taker! I want to be a giver! As much as I speak with others about faith and trusting God, I came to realize that I was doing just the opposite. I was trying to handle everything on my own and it was wearing down on me. I sing about faith and love and trusting God, but I wasn't listening to the words coming out of my mouth. I read my Bible, but I wasn't studying the verses and how they applied to me and my life. I was going through the motions, saying I will trust in God to provide, but not really handing my problems over.
When the realization of what I had been doing to myself struck, I made a conscious decision to remove the sadness and negativity from my life. I prayed about it; I actually had to force the words out of my mouth...something that really made things real for me. I had to say out loud that sadness/anger/worry/doubt/negativity had to go, leave, flee, depart from me! God told me I needed to trust Him or nothing was going to work out for anyone's good. What a wake up call!! I don't want the lives of others affected by my lack of ACTING faith in God; I have a husband and son to think about. At that moment, I chose to give it all to God. The migraines, the increasing pain of the fibromyalgia, the sadness, the anger, the worry, the doubt...it was time for them to go. I stood in the shower (which is one of the only places I get to myself and therefore my go-to prayer closet) and I closed my eyes and pictured a grand throne room with Jesus standing there with His arms outstretched towards me. I envisioned myself carrying baskets and being weighed down by chains. I said, "Here Lord, I cannot do this any longer. Please take these burdens away from me." I dumped the baskets, full of all the negative emotions and thoughts, all the worried about money and finances...and I put them at His feet. I tell you, I felt His arms wrap around me and I wept. Have I mentioned that crying in the shower is an odd experience? You don't know if you're feeling your tears or the drops from the shower, weird I know. At that moment, I felt peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding and logic. I am not worried about things any longer. I am not sad or angry or negative. I am aware of the issues we still face, but I feel like my belief is restored and my faith is increasing. I know people are praying for our family and that means so much to me.
I also wanted to apologize to everyone who has had to endure my negativity recently and ask your forgiveness. I know it sounds corny and strange, but when I was shown just how negative I had become...I would have demanded an apology from myself. That said, I am feeling happier and much lighter in my spirit. Hope you all realize that no matter how bad things are around you that God always has your back. There is a song I LOVE that says, "He may not come when you want Him, but He'll be there right on time. He's an on time God. Yes He is!" God bless you all!
