I will never look at my couch the same again...ever. That is the place my body and my baby decided to birth; the place that will always hold a special sacred spot in my heart. My daughter took her first breath there; that is where she and I met face to face. That is the spot I felt bonded to her forever. We had our home birth, welcoming Hannah Irene Kay into our arms early Tuesday morning. I could not be happier, could not have asked for a better birth experience, and definitely could not have done it without my Lord and without my amazing birth team.
Anyone who knows me, knows I love birth stories; it is a way for moms to connect with each other, bonding over an experience as old as time. This is the story of Hannah's birth, and my healing and empowering labor and birth experience. ****WARNING! GRAPHIC AND BADLY EDITED PHOTOS AHEAD****
8/4/2013
I started to have some slight surges (contractions) with only a few being intense enough to notice. They never increased in frequency or intensity. I decided to go for a walk on the trail. What the heck was I thinking??? The last 1/4 mile, I swear my lady bits were falling apart. Went home and laid down!
8/5/2013
I had lower back aches upon waking that morning at 9:00. I had just walked a pretty fast mile on the trail the day before, so I figured it was just sore from that. Then I noticed that with each "ache" the intensity grew stronger and more noticeable. Eventually these lower back pains turned into surges, though they were not regular they were definitely more intense. I tried timing them for a little while, but because they were so infrequent it was difficult...and I couldn't be bothered. A bit later that morning I had some slight bloody show, I was so excited because I had had ZERO discharge for almost the entire pregnancy. Only a woman waiting for ANY signs of labor can relate to how exciting that little bit of show can be. Sorry if it's TMI for some of you folks, but this is a birth story and well...blood kinda comes with the territory. ;) All throughout the day I noticed that the surges became more regular and intense, but nothing I couldn't cope with using deep breathing or movement. I had sent text messages to my midwife team, letting them know about the bloody show and just to keep an ear out for a call from me. However, I was convinced at this point that nothing was happening anytime soon, so I went about my day. Travis went into work later than scheduled until I was sick of his hovering and made him go in! Later that evening, after getting TJ in bed I decided I needed to sleep. NOW. Lying down seemed to help with the intensity and frequency of the surges throughout the day, so I figured I would lie down and get some sleep. Travis had gone to work to do an overnight shift, and I figured I would have the entire bed to myself for the first time in a long time! I tucked in with my trusty hot water bottle pressed firmly against my lower back. I fell asleep almost immediately, but was awoken by some intense aching in my back. I decided to come downstairs because the bed down there is more firm, and I was closer to the bathroom (a must for any preggo mama!). A couple hours after I had tried going to bed, I decided to start timing these surges as I noticed now that the intensity wasn't just in my back. So for about an hour I timed and kept track: they were every 5-8 minutes and lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to 1 1/2 minutes. I noticed a lot of back aches, so I hopped online to refresh my memory on dealing with back labor as simply hanging on the birthing ball was clearly not cutting it at this point. I was still convinced nothing was going on because I was able to get on the computer and research, but then again the surges never slowed or decreased.. in fact they were increasing in intensity and frequency! After refreshing myself on the "ab lift and tuck" and allowing myself to do this through 10 surges, I was feeling a lot better about coping with the intensities. Then something changed. I can't really describe it other than to say that my body started to do it's own thing during the surges. By that I mean, I started to naturally move into positions that made coping so much easier and the sounds coming out of my mouth were akin to nature. Subconsciously, my mind and body knew that it was time to call my support team. At 9:51PM I phoned my husband, because I needed him to find a replacement and get home quickly. That call was immediately followed by a call to my midwife Sara who, after confirming a few things, told me she was sending out the other midwife Jodi to make sure things were going well. I also phoned my mom and let her know what was going on so she could be prepared to come over. I then called my best friend Jen who helped me through a particularly intense surge while on the phone, gosh I love that woman! I knew I was still having a few minutes inbetween surges, so I waited until I had that few moments to make one last call to another friend, Sarah, who has been monumental in encouraging this home birth. I knew other people should have been called...but I didn't have it in me.
After all those calls were made, things really started to pick up. I found comfort in the birthing ball, hanging on it and vocalizing through each surge. Jodi came by with all the equipment and after observing a few surges, determined that it was go time. Active labor! WOOHOO!
Jodi and I talked and bantered a bit inbetween the surges and somewhere in there my mom arrived. TJ was in bed so he wasn't aware of the impending arrival of his sister, but I knew he would be up before too long, he is a light sleeper like his mama. Travis finally made it home and brought me a frappaccino...can I say what an amazing man I have? He knows me and my needs so well. After working through a few more surges, and a few trips to the bathroom, Sara was called and Casi was coming with the birth kit and pool liner. Yay for laboring in the water!
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| Warm water makes everything better. |
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8/6/13 (wee hours in the morning)
TJ awoke as the birth pool was being assembled and he was so excited that he brought out his toy boat and put it in the water. Needless to say he wasn't impressed when he found out it wasn't really a big bathtub. Still experiencing surges and their ever increasing intensity and frequency, it felt nice to finally sit in that super warm water. Submerged up to my chest was like liquid heaven on my entire body. I couldn't even tell you what time it was at this point, because my mind and body were starting to go into birth mode. I was fully concentrated on working through the surges and inbetween them could focus my attention on those around me; it is amazing how ones mind shuts down during those few intense moments to go into a primal laboring mode, and then suddenly comes back and can have a coherent conversation. Of course, I used a lot of humor and jokes as that is my way of coping with any type of discomfort. Here is where the timeline gets a tad hazy; I am writing this as I remember it and please know that there may be lapses or jumps in the order of events so please forgive me! Somewhere in all this my wonderful sister came over, and having my birth team present put me at ease and it was then that I felt my body and mind start to relax and allow things to progress.
Can I just say it is not easy to get in and out of a birthing pool? I had to though, because I had to pee badly and I didn't want to pee in the water *sigh* if I only knew, right? I made it to the bathroom with Jodi following me in there, sitting on the toilet just felt so much better on my lower back (which is where most of the surges and intensities were present). I stood up, ready to waddle back to the pool only to have another surge come from left field, causing me to pee on the floor. Yup. On.The.Floor. I was mortified but not really, make sense? Yeah, it doesn't to me either. Just when I was getting ready to get into the pool, a surge hit and right then I needed my mom. She is comfort, she is safe. I knelt down and laid my head on her lap not unlike when I was a child. I didn't know it, but the moment was captured by Jodi. Words cannot express how much I appreciate her taking that photo (as we have so very precious few from Hannah's birth).
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| Do you ever just need your mom? |
The surges were getting more and more intense, sometimes to the point of feeling unbearable. In those moments I closed my eyes and imagined myself in an ocean in which wave after wave came crashing down on me but I stood firm and pushed through each wave thus each surge. I know I cried out to God, I would look to my positive birth affirmations I had posted throughout the living room and the bathroom. I am so glad I had the forethought to write these down, because they truly gave me strength and the determination to persevere. There came a point when I was in such pain that my midwife quietly told me, "Remember your pain cannot be stronger than you because it is you." Have I mentioned how much I adore this woman? I took that reminder and told myself that I was strong enough and I was doing this. After what seemed like forever, I was convinced that there was no progress because my water STILL hadn't broken. I consented to an internal exam (my first one with this pregnancy!) to find out that I indeed was fully dilated and effaced and baby just needed to descend. I need to tell you all how much of a baby I am when it comes to pain. In the hospital with TJ, I was begging for an epidural and I was barely 4cm dilated. I was also on a buttload of pit, so I know there is a correlation to the two...HOWEVER...can I just say how incredibly shocked I was that I made it all the way without absolutely breaking down?! PROUD OF MYSELF! The hard part was just beginning...
Almost at that moment my body started doing these little pushes, again I was giving myself over to my primal instincts. I kept telling Sara that I wanted to push but it wasn't an overwhelming urge. Little pushes to get my baby girl down into the space from which she would emerge, this is what Sara said was going on. I chalked it up to the wonders of natural childbirth and gave in completely to my instincts. It was so liberating not to be hooked up to monitors or worry about pulling out an IV line. I just moved where I needed to and did what I needed to. There is something to be said about giving in to your body and allowing it to go to that primal place, where the outside sounds are drowned out and the body that was created to birth is allowed to do what it needs to do. I closed my eyes and thought about TJ and how I had allowed so many unnecessary interventions to happen that nearly cost him his life. I thought of my sweet boy and how I was doing this home birth for him too; a sort of healing for our whole family. A very strong surge came while I was trying to find a coping position in the pool. I looked up at my husband, took both of his hands in mine and let his presence calm me. I remember looking into his eyes and silently pleading that he would understand that I am doing this for us, for our family, for our daughter. Sometimes I think he can read my mind or that our connection is something out of fiction, because he looked right at me and said quietly, "You ARE doing this." Those four words gave me such strength, in that moment I could have endured a hundred contractions...maybe not, but you get the point. I tried to explain to my mom the imagery I created to help me cope with each surge. I told her I imagined standing on the beach, with both feet in the water. Each surge is a wave that I must stand against, so as not to be overtaken. I imagine keeping my feet planted firmly, while the crest comes crashing down around me. I may shiver, I may close my eyes...but I don't buckle. It really helped me, and my mom seemed to like hearing about it.
Things get a little blurry for me here, but during one of my trips back from the bathroom I really needed to lay down. Our ottoman looked perfect and I just wanted.to.sleep. I couldn't tell you what I did or said, but next thing I knew I was on my right side catching some sleep. I was sleeping inbetween each surge (which really is a miraculous thing) and everyone started to gather close. The midwives knew, my husband knew, and my mom and sister knew. It took me a minute to catch on, I was preoccupied after all. I had been waiting for what seemed like YEARS for my water to break or something and when I felt an urge to pee I did..right on my couch. I looked at Jodi and said, "I peed myself again didn't I?" She gave me a knowing smile and simply said, "Nope!" By the way, this amazing woman followed me everywhere I labored with a chux pad AND she accompanied me to the bathroom and helped me through some seriously insane moments. I love Jodi, bottom line. My water had broken, HALLELUJAH! We were almost there. The surges were extremely intense after this, my teeth were chattering, my vocals a
little less controlled ( somehow my son slept through this part). I then felt the need to P-U-S-H. You know that feeling mamas, that uncontrollable urge that not even the good Lord Himself could stop (not that he would!). Up until this point, I had Oooo-d and ahhhh-d through each surge; standing firm and working through. One of my little birth motivators said something to the tune of, "I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!" I may be paraphrasing...but I opened my eyes and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I roared. Loudly. Like, someone was murdering me, loud. Then I heard someone tell me that Hannah was right there. This baby seriously went from here to there in no time. I was officially in the delivery stage. I had had these dreams of peacefully pushing my daughter out and reaching down to grab her onto my chest. Instead I lifted my right leg, opened my mouth, squeezed my eyes shut, and grunted/roared/yelled that precious girl out. Pushing a baby out is an oxymoron of extremely painful pleasure. It hurts like the fire of a thousand suns but in those moments you are connected, on some spiritual level, to every woman who has ever given birth. There is a pleasure in knowing that you are doing something that the very first woman on earth had to do in order for you to be here in this moment. I cannot describe it accurately. I felt connected to God, my ancestors, the universe, my daughter. I also felt helpless. I do remember calling for help, but this was mostly because I was seriously afraid that my clitoris was going to fall off and I just wanted to make sure someone was applying counter pressure. When Sara told me the ring of fire was coming, it felt more like a ring of ripping. Still roaring through each push, I heard, "she is right there so close!" Then I heard, "there is her head...oh her nose..oh her chin...okay now the shoulders!" I don't remember who was holding my hand I think it was Casi (and bless your heart if it was you!), but I remember finding comfort in those hands. I also remember thinking in my head, "Please don't let me die." That thought was directed to my mom and to be honest, it was more because I was so exhausted and not so much from the pain. This all seemed to happen in a matter of minutes. Apparently, that thought was said out loud. *sigh* Never said I wasn't dramatic.
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| Tough work. |
I had to consult with my midwife on how long I pushed before Hannah was delivered. Keep in mind, with my son labor was augmented (poorly) and I pushed for 2 hours and 50 minutes. When you are in the space of birthing, time and reality can become distorted because the body takes over (if allowed) and is focused solely on that synchronized dance with baby, that dance known as birth. That being said I couldn't tell you how long I pushed, what time it was, who was standing where, and what was going through my mind. I guessed pushing lasted 30 minutes, and I was being conservative. After meeting up with the midwife, we looked over my chart and found it was only about 10 minutes or so. 10 minutes. Do you see what happens when the body is allowed to do what it needs? Then again when it feels like your clitoris is about to fall off, each second feels like an hour (ha!). I remember. I remember the moment I felt her slide out. Everyone was cheering and saying things like, "she is here Sally!" One minute she was halfway between worlds, and the next she was in my arms. She made a small cry while being handed to me, and every single fear I had about her not breathing just dissipated. I knew my girl was perfect in every way. Then I noticed her! She was so small! All I could think was that her head wasn't nearly as large as her big brothers. When she was placed in my arms the first thing I did was smell her and she smelled familiar to me, just as TJ had. Then I just stared at her, because...HELLO! I just birthed this wonderfully complex beautiful little beauty after spending the past 10 months wondering what she would look like, if she had hair on her head, and what her first cry would sound like. She was so warm and so pink and all I wanted to do was cuddle her. The whole world fell away and it was just her and I, wrapped in this intangible cocoon of newness and love. I thanked God. I prayed. My soul was transported before the throne of Grace and I had to bless Jesus for allowing this to happen, because there were no complications, because of who HE is, because of my awesome midwife team, because my family was here, just because. Travis looked at me and said, "Rub her down Sally, help her breathe!" I stimulated her back and spoke to my newly born daughter and Jodi helped to rub her down as well, getting those little lungs open and full of fresh air. All this happened in the span of a minute or two but it felt like slow motion to me. She was wrapped in one of our beach towels; blue and white striped. She started to cry a bit after being stimulated and it was music to my ears. I took her little towel wrapped body and cuddled her. All I could think was that I had a daughter!
Cord still attached, I cradled my new daughter against me and just laid there in awe of her. In awe of myself. I just had a homebirth; I have accomplished something I was set out to do. Like I said, I will never look at my couch the same again. The next few hours were spent bonding amongst the weighing/measuring,
cord cutting (which we obviously delayed), attempting to breastfeed, and
just be present with this new creature. I was really excited to
breastfeed again, and Hannah had a bit of a latch issue which she
corrected herself in a couple of days. She just needed to open her
mouth a bit more, which thankfully she did! TJ woke up shortly after the birth and he met his baby sister. I don't know how he slept through the roars, but he did! He loved on her right away. It's amazing how he went to bed still my baby and woke up my big boy; like he instantaneously grew.
I had it written in my birth reminder that I wanted everyone present for her birth, to hold her (after the initial mother/daughter bonding of course!). It was important for me that she also form a bond with those who were present for her birth. After all, these people were here helping me through labor and witnessing her emergence. She was held by all and I watched, with love in my eyes, as my little girl left a piece of herself with each person.
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| Nana and Hannah. |
Eventually, the pool was broken down and drained, people slowly left our space to get some much needed rest themselves, and I was recuperating and enjoying my new baby. My midwife and her team graciously made a comfy and cozy space on our couch, where my baby and I shared our first peaceful sleep as two separate beings, instead of one and under the watchful eyes of my mom who stayed with us.
There really is a "birth high" from all the natural oxytocin that flows during labor and birth. I felt so good, so happy, so incredibly AWESOME. Even now, as I type this sentence 7 weeks later, I can feel that "birth high" return and it overpowers any negative emotions I may be feeling in the moment. I believe that a piece of me has been healed and restored. The experience of this homebirth helped to overcome the traumas of TJ's birth. Feelings of fear, inadequacy, anger, bitterness, apprehension, and grief all seemed to dissipate. The fact that I didn't have to follow orders or be restricted was freeing. I am strong because I followed my instinct and trusted in the body given to me by my Creator. I am brave because I conquered my own insecurities about my abilities to birth unmedicated. I am fearless because I did what was best for me and my baby in the face of criticism. I am mother.
