Monday, March 26, 2012

First time....

All the research, all the speeches, all the information and then putting it into practice....just went to waste.  I have always considered myself a somewhat "granola" mommy (cloth diapers, gentle parenting, breastfeeding, natural stuff, etc.) but today I broke one of the most important rules in my home.  I swatted my tot on the butt today for repeatedly getting into the dvd cases; time out didn't work, redirection didn't work, a smack on the patty didn't work....nothing worked.  I didn't do it hard at all, because I really didn't want to do this.  I grew up in an abusive home and I have always said I wouldn't ever hit my children.  I feel like a horrible mommy.  I know other people spank their children and maybe that works for THEIR families, but this is not the way that I want to discipline MY children because I KNOW there are better and more effective ways.  The emotions coursing through me right now...I know will not ever do this again... I cannot.  Of course he wasn't phased by it, but I have been in a sort of stupor ever since.  Truly this hurt me more than it hurt him.  My God...I need t give myself a time out.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Breakthrough..

Have you ever reached that point where enough is enough?  I have.  My son has developed a mean streak and it seems to be aimed at me, as he hit me and then stabbed me with his fork this evening at dinner.  The dog peed in the house twice tonight after being taken out.  After this sudden flare up of agitated-ness, I literally had to speak in a calm manner or I was going to lose it with my son and my dog.  I changed TJ's diaper and put him to bed and then I took the dog outside and put him in timeout in his crate.  I am not a spanking mom...but I was so tempted tonight.  If this is just a taste of what they call the terrible 2's....I am going to be needing a lot of green tea and prayer time.  I am finally seeing the end of this depression streak and I am so thankful because I am starting to feel like myself and not some out of control woman.  The move, the transition, the unknown, the whole change within the last year has really hit me hard...not to mention I was dealing with a late onset of PPD.  I don't normally speak about these things because they are rather personal, but I feel like why should I be afraid of what someone else is going to think or say about me?  I mean, yeah it would hurt my feelings at first, but then I just remember that those people are not God and their approval is not needed.

I have had some really bad days this past year and even a few stretches of weeks where I thought I would need to speak with someone.  God knows my heart, and how because of my past I am extremely reluctant to go that route.  He has provided me with some awesome people in my life that seem to know just when I need them.  Sometimes I get so lost in what goes on my little world that I forget other people go through stuff as well.  This is what lead to me over-react in a situation and make a very poor decision.  Thankfully, God had his hand in this circumstance rather quickly and restoration was possible.  The point is I am finally getting my breakthrough and I am glad because it has been a very long while since I have played my guitar or wrote any music (and those of you who know me, know that I live/breath/sleep music).

I have also picked up the art of crochet.  I made a washcloth for TJ's kitchen, am making a surprise for a friend, and have attempted a beanie...only to tear it apart twice now.  Practice makes perfect!

I feel a lot better after getting this off my heart.  Thanks for listening and God bless you.

~Sally