Candid Update

Since my last post, our family has endured even more changes and I find myself struggling to be at peace with the situation.  We will be fostering two of our family members in the coming months.  I cannot tell you how much it breaks my heart all the things these kids have had to endure.  When I think about everything they have gone through, I get angry.  I get angry because they were never allowed to be the kids they should have been, I get angry because innocence has been ripped away from them, I get angry because the one person who should have protected them, failed them instead.  I had a job that I was really good at and I was very happy there.  I have made the decision to leave my job so I can take care of the children that will soon be in our home.  Money will once again be tight, but I know that I am doing the right thing for these kids.  I only pray to God above that HE will make a way when there seems to be no way, and I know HE will.  I miss my job, I've been gone for nearly a week and I miss it.  Granted, it wasn't always the greatest job in the world, but it was something I was good at and helping other people is important to me.  I struggled for awhile in deciding whether or not to leave (as it turns out, I would have lost my job anyway from taking too many days off). These kids are going to need a lot of attention, a lot of gentle discipline, and a lot of help in learning to cope with things that have gone in their short lives.  TJ is ecstatic because he is going to have constant playmates who love him immensely as he does them.  T and I are very happy to open our home to them, we feel this is where they belong.  We have such a long way to go before our home will be ready.  A room to build, walls/ceilings to paint, beds to get, windows to install, and our Foster Care license.  Times are going to be tuff, but I don't believe it will last forever.  We can nix the unnecessary things, which means this may be the last blog I post from home for awhile.  Things haven't been working out at T's job, and I have felt it necessary to step in and try to be his advocate.  How are you going to put someone in a position, promise them the job is theirs, just to give that title to someone else....who knows NOTHING about the industry?  God will work something out, He has to...He promised us He would.  We have had more life changing news, but I am not ready to talk about it yet.  Please keep us in your prayers, we could really use all the help we can get. 

Thanks and God Bless.

~Sally

Here or there?

The process of moving on from the major changes in our life has been a rough one, but I am happy to say that our family is adjusting well (adding a dog into our crazy little family has definitely helped!) and we don't wish for our past life every day like we used to.  I can't really speak for T, but I know he misses the Army.  I miss being able to stay at home with my son and I miss being a part of something.  I think that is what I struggle with the most, although not as much.  Some days I am very thankful that T is out of the Army, because he does get to be with TJ and I and I know he is safe because I know where he is.  Other days, like today, I feel like I don't fit anywhere...not an "army wife" but not really a civilian?  It is very difficult to describe, I am certain I am not the only one that has experienced this feeling.  I don't dwell on these feelings, because they only make me sad and want to be where my sisters are.  I try to press forward and look for the blessings in my life, and there are many.  We have a beautiful home, we are both working and we are able to keep up on our bills, TJ is in a great daycare and loves to be around his cousins.  I remind myself that God does everything for our benefit, even it is all jumbled and very frustrating.  I am so glad these sad days are becoming few and far between.  I texted one of my sisters today that I missed her bunches, I miss all my sisters bunches.  I wonder how they are doing, how their children are doing, if their husbands are safe.  We all keep in touch and I am so thankful for email and facebook, where would I be without it?  One of the worst parts for me?  Knowing that we won't be moving in 2 years...I know it sounds crazy, but we have moved every 2-3 years since 2006 and I find that there are still unpacked boxes and I wonder if subconsciously I didn't unpack them "just in case."  Don't get me wrong, I am not upset or anything and I am very happy where we are..I am just having one of those days ya know?  This too shall pass.  :)


God bless ya!
Sally

Dear God, 

I need to understand.  I need to know why you have brought these two little angels into my heart over the past few days and why can I not keep them from my mind?  Are you trying to tell me something?  Am I not spending enough time with my own son?  Am I being too greedy by wanting another child?  Am I about to go through something really awesome or totally crappy?  Why have you brought little Ronan and Ty into my heart?  I've never met them or heard of them until a few days ago and now I cannot get their stories out of my mind and my heart breaks for their mommies.  Why do children get cancer and die?  I know God, I KNOW by the stripes of Jesus we are healed...but why do such beautiful children have to suffer through a hell on earth such as cancer?  Your word says that children belong to the kingdom of Heaven; does this mean they are on loan?  I am a moderately educated 31 year old woman with a young son, whom I prayed for harder than anything I can remember, yet I feel like a child because I want to know why you allow children to get cancer?  Why isn't there a cure?  Why does pediatric cancer not get the attention it deserves?  Why did Ronan and his absolutely beautiful blue eyes get eaten alive by this horrible disease?  Why do Ty's mom and dad have to by that white suit for "you know what?"  My heart is hurting, my faith is shaking and these children aren't even mine.  I have come to realize that maybe YOU are telling me that I need to pay better attention and be kinder to my own son, well God...I am listening.  I want to blog about my son, write songs about my son, play with my son, make cheesey videos about the cool things he does because he is ALIVE...but part of me is breaking for all these mommies who do these things while wearing a piece of their children in a locket around their neck.  How sad.  Back to the question at hand; why have you brought these stories into my life?  What lesson am I to learn? Am I learning it, have I learned it?  Touch these families Lord, they need you.  All of them need your peace and love, even if they are mad at you for their babies being taken away by cancer.  Love them.  Help me to help them.  I don't know how.  I have the Unseen Heroes project I am working on and now this?  Help me God, I am really in desperate need.  What do I do?  In loving memory of all children who have lost their battle with cancer and to the ones who have and are making it through. GO FOR THE GOLD! 
~Me

TJ

Cinnamon brown eyes, chubby feet with the cutest toes, beautiful honey colored hair with a slight curl, and a smile that could melt the heart of even the coldest of men.  My son is the most amazing little guy to ever waltz into my life.  I am so enamored with him and some days it hits me all over again that he is mine and I never have to give him back.  I thank God for him every single day.  TJ has grown up so much these last few months and I find myself telling him to slow down, but I don't think he understands the true meaning behind those words.  Life has gotten better for us as a family, but we are not without our struggles as many aren't.  God is keeping us, whether we realize it or not, and I could not be more thankful for that.  TJ has recently hit that stage where he repeats nearly everything he hears, sometimes he repeats the silliest phrases from a cartoon or a passing conversation he hears.  He heard his Nana talking about Chelsea and he ran around the house saying, "Chelsea Chelsea!"  He also loves to point out random things he sees or hears and call them by name.  We were at the store earlier today and he saw a woman pushing her own shopping cart.  TJ pointed right at her and said, "Shopping!"  Made me chuckle.  Shortly after that he pointed to two people who were carrying around a trademark coffee cup and said, "Mama, coffee!  Coffee, Mama!"  He then asked me, in that special way that only toddlers can, if he could have coffee.  sigh  Who couldn't love an innocent little guy like mine?  I realize pointing is rude and we are working on that, but he is only 2 and it is in his nature.  Is my child unique in his abilities or milestones?  Nope, but he is mine and everything he does or says just blows my mind.  I am so blessed to have him, he is by far my greatest accomplishment and worth every bit of pain it took to have him.

Showing off the baby carrot from the garden!

Who got a J-O-B? Yeah, you know me!!

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!  I know that some of you probably think, "yeah so?  Lots of people have jobs."  If you only knew how we were struggling because of the lack of finances.  By the Grace of our sweet God we were able to keep paying our bills and tithes, but I knew I needed to find employment and I have been looking and praying for a job for a long while now.  This means that we can keep up on our bills, increase our tithes, and build up our savings again!  PRAISE HIM! I was struggling with God though, wondering if He was going to come through...and just when I felt like I was on my last bit of hope and faith, BAM! He came through for us.  I have to pass a 9 week training course but I know I can do it, because I believe in myself and I believe I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I am just so happy and my shoulders feel so much lighter without all the stress.  I hope this will eliminate the migraines as well and the sleeplessness.  Well, it was a short post but to the point!  Be blessed and please remember (from my circumstances) that God really does come through in His own time, as long as you believe and have faith..even in the smallest measure.

Love and Blessings,


Sal

Negative Nancy

Recently I had taken a few hours out of my life to contemplate my moods and my attitudes towards all the chaos that seems to have thrown itself our way lately and ask God to show me where all this was coming from and how I can change.  For the most part, I have accepted that our lives have taken a completely different path than we ever had planned and that there is absolutely no going back...unless I get a wild hair and join the Navy (which, I have been told, I shouldn't count out yet).  Anyway, during this little bit of soul searching I discovered that I have been extremely negative in my responses and outward emotions lately and my attitude has not been on par.  Granted, we've been thrown some major curve balls lately and let's face it, my batting average was never anything to brag about...but then I started to notice those around me were acting differently towards me.  This got me thinking about my negativity and how I may be coming across to others.  This was a major reality check for me; I am typically a pretty happy and nice person...who was this negative nancy that appeared out of nowhere?  The stress between finances, employment, Travis' DoD and VA stuff, worried about what the future holds, and every day life for us...it was beginning to be too much for me to handle.  Then I realized, why would anyone want to speak to me or be around me if all I am going to do is bring them down?  I don't want to be a taker!  I want to be a giver!  As much as I speak with others about faith and trusting God, I came to realize that I was doing just the opposite.  I was trying to handle everything on my own and it was wearing down on me.  I sing about faith and love and trusting God, but I wasn't listening to the words coming out of my mouth.  I read my Bible, but I wasn't studying the verses and how they applied to me and my life.  I was going through the motions, saying I will trust in God to provide, but not really handing my problems over.  

When the realization of what I had been doing to myself struck, I made a conscious decision to remove the sadness and negativity from my life.  I prayed about it; I actually had to force the words out of my mouth...something that really made things real for me.  I had to say out loud that sadness/anger/worry/doubt/negativity had to go, leave, flee, depart from me!  God told me I needed to trust Him or nothing was going to work out for anyone's good.  What a wake up call!!  I don't want the lives of others affected by my lack of ACTING faith in God; I have a husband and son to think about.  At that moment, I chose to give it all to God.  The migraines, the increasing pain of the fibromyalgia, the sadness, the anger, the worry, the doubt...it was time for them to go.  I stood in the shower (which is one of the only places I get to myself and therefore my go-to prayer closet) and I closed my eyes and pictured a grand throne room with Jesus standing there with His arms outstretched towards me.  I envisioned myself carrying baskets and being weighed down by chains.  I said, "Here Lord, I cannot do this any longer.  Please take these burdens away from me."  I dumped the baskets, full of all the negative emotions and thoughts, all the worried about money and finances...and I put them at His feet.  I tell you, I felt His arms wrap around me and I wept.  Have I mentioned that crying in the shower is an odd experience?  You don't know if you're feeling your tears or the drops from the shower, weird I know.  At that moment, I felt peace.  Peace that surpasses all understanding and logic.  I am not worried about things any longer.  I am not sad or angry or negative.  I am aware of the issues we still face, but I feel like my belief is restored and my faith is increasing.  I know people are praying for our family and that means so much to me.

I also wanted to apologize to everyone who has had to endure my negativity recently and ask your forgiveness.  I know it sounds corny and strange, but when I was shown just how negative I had become...I would have demanded an apology from myself.  That said, I am feeling happier and much lighter in my spirit.  Hope you all realize that no matter how bad things are around you that God always has your back.  There is a song I LOVE that says, "He may not come when you want Him, but He'll be there right on time.  He's an on time God.  Yes He is!"  God bless you all!

~Sally

The Birth of TJ GRAPHIC NON-SUGAR COATED VERSION.

Laboring on the ball.

Two years.  Two years and I can look at all the pictures and speak about it without having heart palpitations and feeling the utter fear and terror grip my very soul.  I am talking about the birth of my son, TJ.  I have spoken about this subject before, albeit briefly.  We very nearly lost our son when he was born due to "respiratory distress" as was deemed in the medical records...it should have read "due to an overdose of medication and too many unnecessary interventions and stresses on the mother."  Throughout the delivery I was on pins and needles because I was losing control of the situation and I was allowing fear to take over my emotions.  I had read every book on this subject, I had prepared a playlist to labor to, I had a great support system in place, but it did not prepare me.  The day started out with a "hollywood gush" of my waters breaking at home, where I called the hospital and told them I would be laboring at home because I didn't want to be forced to lie down and be refused food or drink.  I labored at home for a few hours and when the contractions really started to become closer together and regular, I told T it was time to go!  I had a very precise birth plan (which I realize now means diddly squat in the hospital, particularly a military hospital) and I was very clear that I didn't want to be hooked up to anything.  They were accommodating at first, allowing me to labor on the birthing ball and receive monitoring with the wireless tocometer.  It was shortly after a nurse came in telling me they weren't getting accurate readings and that I needed to be checked again, that my body started to stop labor.  I should have stood up for myself and refused to be bedded down.  I should have, but hindsight is 20/20 right?  After that, things got worse.  The pressure for pitocin was on because of "failure to progress."  I know now that this is a common phrase that is used when a woman isn't dilating one centimeter per hour (who says that's the standard anyway?).  This is where things are a bit foggy for me, and I want you to experience what was going through my mind at the time, so please bear with me.  I was given the wrong dosage of one medication and far too much of another (later reports confirmed this).  Things kept beeping at random intervals, alarms screaming at the nurses for one thing or another....and all I could think about was how this was not how I wanted it to go.  I looked at my husband, and I could see in his eyes that he was scared.  I remember being very mad, but not allowing myself to express that emotion because I didn't want to hurt anyone feelings.   I remember feeling smothered by the staff, asking me questions that I knew if they just looked at my birth plan or asked my husband or doulas, they would have the answer.  The epidural was put into place after some nurse had the bright idea to turn me on my left side (even though I could FEEL that something wasn't right and it was extremely painful) and I couldn't take the constant contractions anymore.  At this point I conceded to the epidural, in hopes of relief from the staff and to just be able to get a moment to regroup my mind and the pain was nearly unbearable (my boy was sunny side up).  Needless to say the epi didn't last but 20 minutes and it was a bit of a job getting it into place as my contractions at this point were nearly on top of one another.  A second epidural (in addition to the first one) numbed my entire body from my armpits to my toes...all except for a band about 6 inches wide that included, you got it, my lady bits.  The one place a woman wants relief in labor and I didn't get it.  God wanted to me to experience the pain, no matter what. This is what I had wanted originally, so who was I to complain?  The rest is really a blur of being told to breathe, coaching from my husband and doulas, getting checked by the nurses, the alarms ringing, and the stupid blood pressure cuff that served to only raise my blood pressure.  I knew when I was going through transition because I could feel my son descending into the birth canal.  I felt him squirming and rotating, attempting to correct his position.  I knew the moment I was ready to push because the urge to bear down and push was irresistable.  Having the feeling "down there" that I did, I felt my body start to bear down on its own.  I voiced this concern and was told it was too early.  All I could think to myself was, "if I know when to poop by myself...shouldn't my body know how to push out a baby?"  After a bit of back and forth with the staff, who insisted I was not fully effaced or dilated, a much older nurse came in and took one look at me and told me if I needed to push, then push!  I don't think I have ever been happier.  I asked for the mirror and then the pain really started.  Being tired, stressed, hungry, thirsty, sad, angry, and just plain scared...at this point I was freaking out at every contraction because the monitors were indicating that TJ wasn't handling them very well.  After pushing for nearly 2 hours, I decided that I was taking control and I had had enough of everyone telling me to breathe and to keep calm.  I said a prayer of thanks and for help, looked into that mirror and saw the crown of my sons head.  I don't know how I did it, but I lifted my butt and my hips off that bed and pushed until I saw stars.  FINALLY!  I was hearing positive words of encouragement and it was so great!  Until the catheter that had been placed, somehow hindered my pushing and it had to be moved...not a pleasant feeling I can assure you.  A nurse who had been one of the biggest supporters for me assisted me in my pushing my stretching out my perineum and even though it hurt it was very effective.  I was willing to do what it took to get this baby out.  Cue the doctor and I was pushing and pushing, feeling like it would never end.  I kept my gaze on that mirror and I could see his head, but something wasn't right.  He was an odd color, not the typical pinkish/grey that you see in newborn babies.  In that moment I knew I had to push him out because there was something off.  I lifted my hips and butt one good time and pushed with all my might.  After two hours and fifty minutes of pushing he was born!  He had a nuchal cord, stretched tight.  They immediately placed him on my belly and I knew to rub him, stimulate him.  I think my brain knew before my body because even before the staff realized something was wrong, I remember rubbing him down and saying, "come on baby, breathe for mama."  After about 30 seconds of nothing, he was ripped from my arms and before I could blink the room was filled with every available neonatalogist and  nurse and they were bagging him.  He was a sickly blueish/grey color and was not moving or breathing.  At this time the doctor attempted to pull the placenta out, instead of just letting me birth it, and was literally elbows deep in my uterus.  She pulled the cord and it detached from the placenta.  Medical records called it "medial cord attachement" or "marginal cord insertion" which basically means there was a weak connection between the two.  I would find out all this cord stuff after the fact.  I watched, with baited breath, as it took a team of nurses and doctors two minutes...TWO MINUTES to resuscitate him with that little blue bag.  I would soon find out that the only indication he lived was his somewhat low heart rate.  As I am laying on that bed, completely helpless and witnessing my small just-born son struggle for his life....all I can do is pray.  Every prayer I have ever uttered in my entire existence doesn't even begin to compare to the prayers I sent up to God above.  In those two minutes I was both angered with and in awe of God.  I remember saying, "Don't you dare bring us this far just to take our son.  I am NOT leaving here without my son healthy."  Almost immediately followed by, "I love you Lord, only You can help him now."  I briefly glanced at my husband, who was standing by my son, and my best friend and doula, who was standing right beside me...holding my hand.  I don't think I have ever seen two people look more afraid in my life.  You know how people say life flashes before your eyes just before you're about to die?  Well, I had every single scenario, good and bad, play out in my mind in what must have been mere seconds.  How will we bring him home to be buried?  I wonder what he will look like sleeping in his crib at home?  How long will they let me hold him until they take him away for good?  He looks just like his daddy, I cannot wait to show him off.  As you can see, my mind went in about a million different directions at once.  All the while I am praying out loud to God and I don't care if I offend anyone with my prayers at this point.  All I know is that my son needed to breathe and he needed to live.  It seemed to take forever and no sooner did I say my AMEN...did I hear the most ear piercing, ticked off, where-is-my-momma cry I had ever heard.  I could feel the blood returning to my face and I know I praised Jesus out loud.

He wasn't moving or grimacing, the look on my face says it all.

 J had smiled and said, "he's okay Sal, he's okay."  Next thing I know this little bundle is being handed to me and before my mind could register what was happening, I was giving a pseudo-hug to my son (the nurse did not fully let him go) and the first thing I did was smell him.  He smelled so good to me, and I remember a strange feeling of familiarity at his scent and his touch.  I kissed him and hugged him and told him I loved him.  Just as soon as he was put by me, they took him away to the NICU.  The doctor had told me it would be only 15 minutes or so, just for observation and what not.  Again, I should have known better than to believe that.  15 minutes would turn into 15 hours...and 5 hours before I would actually hold my baby without the aid of someone else.  I remember looking at T and telling him to follow them to the NICU and stand beside TJ so he would know that at least one of his parents could be there.  I still could not walk at that point, so I was bed ridden.  Also, my uterus was not contracting the way it should have, so I had to stay lying down longer and endure those very painful pushes on my uterus from the nurses.  It killed me, ripped out my heart, that I could not follow my son into the NICU.  I was told to get some sleep and word of my son would be sent shortly.  Needless to say, the 15 minutes had already come and gone.  Both of my doulas were exhausted and emotionally drained after the entire ordeal...and after making sure I was okay, they went on ahead home.  I was by myself in a birthing room, a bloody mess, missing my baby whom I didn't even really get to hold.  TJ was born at 2:50AM on a Thursday, one week before his due date.  He was 7lbs 15oz and 20.1" long.  His APGAR scores were 2 and 5, most babies score a 9 on average.  A little back history on me:  I had a baby brother who was born prematurely and lived in the NICU for 6 months, until he passed away from respiratory distress.  I was 8 years old when this happened.  For years I could not look at another baby without seeing my dead brother and I had nightmares constantly.  Death to an 8 year old, is a touchy subject and should be treaded upon lightly...not thrown in the childs face...trust me.  I remember visits to my brother in the NICU; hooked up to wires and constant beeping alarms and nurses ushering us around.  I thought I had gotten over that unfortunate incident all those years ago.  Walking into the NICU and seeing my brand new little baby (albeit big for being in the NICU with the preemies) brought me back to that horrible place and I felt my knees buckling under my weight.  All I could see was the sweet face of my angel, who had already struggled in this life, hooked up to wires and monitors and there wasn't anything I could do to bring him comfort.  The midwife, who I had seen my entire pregnancy, was also in there.  She didn't even say anything, she just opened her arms to me and I let it all out.  All she said was, "he is okay, he is going to be okay."  I saw my husband standing there looking at TJ and I smiled at him.  I knew he was worried about me to, but I had told him to stay with TJ.  We stood over the isolette, locked in an embrace...staring at our son and just so thankful that he was alive.  TJ would be in there until much later that evening.  Doctors were worried he wouldn't latch on, but I knew my bubba and he nursed like a champ, impressing even the lactation consultant who said I handled it like a pro.  My son has amazed people every single day since his birth.  He is so smart, and I don't say that just to dote on him....the kid can count backwards.  He listens so well; we get compliments all the time on how well behaved he is.  We just say thank you and giggle to ourselves because we know what kind of tantrums he is capable of.  He has overcome sickness after sickness, he loves people, and he already has a big heart and lots of love to share.  Shortly after TJ was born, I started to become very protective of him, overly so.  I was very cautious about people holding him (so much so, that someone called me on it once), I would check on him every 10 minutes that he wasn't in my arms and I became obsessed with his breathing.  I had a really hard time talking about his birth because my mind would shut down and all I could do was cry and that fear would grip me all over again.  I got tired of reliving it, so I quit talking about it.  After recognizing the symptoms and a year of denial, I came to terms with the fact that I had been suffering from PPD and perhaps a touch of emotional trauma, following his birth.  I was talking with Jen about my concerns one day, and she suggested getting copies of the medical records just to help put things in order.  I also spoke with Sarah, our other doula who has since become a part of our family through TJ's birth experience, and she asked me something that I had never considered.  "Do you think most of the problems could have stemmed from too much intervention?"  At that point I had only toyed with the idea.  It wasn't until I had done some research that I knew, in my heart, that some of what had happened was indeed preventable.  It makes me sad that things could have ended differently, but at the same time I am thankful that everything worked out the way it did because I will be better prepared in the future births of our children and I appreciate my little boy that much more.

As I said at the beginning, it has taken me this long to be able to speak about the events leading up to and following the birth of my son.  I was afraid when I started writing this, that I would have to stop and take a break or get a migraine from the stress...but it didn't happen.  This is one more step in the healing process for me.  I know someone will read this and think I overreacted in the situation, because I have heard it before.  "At least he is alive!  At least he didn't stay in the NICU for weeks..at least he wasn't deformed."  Yes, I have heard all these things.  Yes, TJ is alive...but that doesn't negate the sheer terror I felt when he wasn't breathing and was limp as a noodle at birth.  No, he didn't stay in the NICU for weeks, but any time a baby has to spend in the NICU is heart wrenching for the parents.  I do have several friends who have had babies stay for weeks in the NICU for one or another, and they have my complete adoration and admiration because somehow, they made it through.  My son was blessed not to suffer any type of neurological issues from his not breathing, all I can attest that to is God Himself.  You don't know how a situation will affect you, until you are in the thick of it.  You can say that you will act one way or believe a certain way, but when the rubber meets the road you really don't know.  Any parent who has had to stand by helplessly and watch their child suffer, will tell you it is the worst feeling in the world.  I am very well aware that I could have lost my son and I do not ever forget that.  I am thankful that God gave the doctors and nurses wisdom to save his life.  I am also thankful for those present at his birth; what would I have done without you?  Jen and Sarah, you two made a horrific situation so much easier to bear...just because you were there with me.  Forever, I love you both forever.  Travis, my brave husband...I could not have asked for a better husband or father to our children.  You are such a great daddy and everything you did that day was right.  I love you always.  To the doctors and nurses, I wish you would have listened to me and respected my wants.  I wish you could have let my body do what it was designed to do, instead of pumping me full of drugs to make me run on "your time."  However, I thank you that you had the knowledge and desire to save my sons life.  To me, that means everything. 

I WANT MY MOMMY!

It has taken me this long to be able to speak about it, without my mind going back to that terrible place, where I can hear the beeps, I can hear the doctors trying to make my son breathe, I can see the sheer terror on the face of both my doulas ( I remember one of them walking out)...my body doesn't react anymore either with the rush of adrenaline that makes my head hurt and my entire body ache, I don't feel an overwhelming urge to run to my son to make sure he is still breathing even if I can see him playing.  I can speak about it without crying, I am at peace with our birth experience.  I am just go glad that I can finally let go and God have this situation.  Thanks for reading!

God Bless,

Sally

Thankful.

How could you not be thankful for a smile like that?

Truly amazing people.

My big sister.

I love these two women.

My mommy.

My baby when he was in the hospital in Garmisch.

Home for R&R.

Thankful for promotions.

Thankful for a sister who likes spontaneous roadtrips!

I don't really have anything of importance to say tonight, other than I am just thankful.  I am thankful for my husband and my son.  I am thankful for our church family and church Pastor; what a blessing.  I am thankful for salvation.  I am thankful that I am finally realizing that it is OKAY to disagree with people you love.  I am thankful that I am learning new things and growing in Christ, because who really wants to be stuck in the same place forever?  I am thankful for parents who choose to step outside the box and aren't afraid to show it.  I am thankful that I can be humble yet bold in matters of my beliefs.  I am thankful that I don't have to please every person in my life, because that is just too much work (and heartache).  I am thankful for the horrible things that I have experienced in my life, because I can appreciate how good I have it now.  I am thankful that my husband served in U.S. Army because it allowed us to grow in so many areas of our lives and meet so many wonderful people whom we now consider family.  Speaking of which, I am thankful for my military sisters because only they will understand that even years after his service has ended, I will still hesitate a bit when I hear a knock on the front door.   I am thankful for my parents and my grandparents, because they have given me history lessons that no classroom will ever hold a candle to.
  I am thankful that I had the opportunity to live in a vastly different culture because I can now see how truly "free" we are in this country and I can make better decisions for my family because of that knowledge.  I am thankful I use cloth diapers because even if the laundry is one load heavier, we have saved a lot of money.  I am thankful for the home we have because it is ours and it is special, even if some people think it's too small.  I am thankful for our dog because he is teaching me loyalty.  I am thankful for facebook because I can chat with people thousands or  hundreds of miles away, in an instant.  I am thankful for caring and compassionate medical professionals because they make me want to help others.  I am thankful that I have food to eat, because I have seen what starvation does to a person.  I am thankful for death, because it makes me appreciate life all the more.  Most of all?  I am thankful that I have forgiveness and salvation in the Lord...because none of the above would matter at all without it.  What about you, what are you thankful for? 

Triglycerides, LDL, and HDL...oh MY!

The word is in, or rather the lab results are in.  Seems my blood work up was fairly normal, oh you know except for the lipid panel.  This was the fact sheet I was dreading and my dread was indeed justified.  I have what is known as borderline high cholesterol and very high triglycerides.  This was not a surprise to me actually, but it would have been nice to see my change in eating and exercise regiment yield better results, but I digress.  I still have to face my doctor, who I just know will shake her perfectly manicured finger in my face and say something along the lines of, "See?  I told you that you were extremely unhealthy and you need to lose weight because the blood work up proves it.  Now here are some more pills, call me in two months."  Not really, I hope she doesn't say that to me, because I will most likely walk right out of there and take those darn triglycerides with me.  The LDL cholesterol is very low and now I need to work on raising it.  Looks like it even fewer carbs for me *sigh* but I have to do what I must because, after all, I want to be here for my children and their children.  It is just so discouraging to get numbers like these even with all the cardio and light weight training I've been doing.  Times like this I just feel like it's not worth it, so why bother?  Does anyone actually enjoy sweating their butt off doing hard cardio?  Does anyone actually enjoy counting reps and sets when weight training? Because I do not.  I get bored and that's a big reason I quit body building.  Sure, my body was being sculpted and I was eating all the stupid shakes and other crap they gave me...but I got so bored with it all.  I practically lived at the gym and after a while just quit going.  So here I am sweating my buns off and doing all this walking and not eating or drinking what I REALLY want to, and I still feel like a failure.  *sigh*  God are you there?  It's me, Sally.  I really need you to perform a miracle and give me motivation to do even more workouts and eat even less yummy food.  No, I really don't want to, but I do want to be healthy.  I'm not asking to be skinny or a smaller size, just help my body's insides function normally and my blood work be perfect.  Thanks for giving me life and I want you to know, God, that I am doing this so I can give You the glory.  It won't be of my doing, oh no, I really want to eat those donuts and all those yummy fries and drink all the coke I possibly can....but I want to do this for YOU.  Thanks God, I love you.  ~Amen

Meds...

After the horrible experience with the methyldopa (the massive swelling) the doctor wanted to put me on zoloft.  I am very leery of antidepressants; they make me zombie-like...but I went ahead with her advice and started taking it.  I am aware that these drugs take some time to "build up" in the system, but it is my firm belief that any type of drug introduced into the body (in any form) can have an affect at any time (i.e. the severe edema experienced not even 24 hours after the initial dose of methyldopa).  Well a little after two weeks of taking the sertraline (zoloft) I started to notice MAJOR mood changes and differences in my thought patterns.  I was becoming depressed and I know depression like the back of my hand; crying bouts, thoughts/feelings of utter despair, lonliness, etc.  At first I thought it was perhaps my cycle starting up, but then I noticed that I started to become more apathetic in my daily activities/routines.  After some prayer (which I was even finding difficult to have any interest in) I decided to do some research on zoloft and the potential risks and side effects.  So glad I did my research, as I found that a lot of people who were prescribed zoloft for symptoms other than depression,  often experienced abrupt changes in mood, behavior, or thought patterns.  In short, people who are not depressed should not take an anti-depressant, because it can actually CAUSE depression!  After a particularly bad episode (because I had still continued with the zoloft) I was really feeling, in my gut, that something wasn't right.  I spoke with two different people about my issues and after some prayer and more research (of course), I decided that I had had enough.  I stopped taking the zoloft and two days later I finally felt like the clouds were lifted away from my head (if that makes sense).  I felt as though I had been walking in a fog.  Now, I have been depressed before, I have suffered PPD...but this was a completely different feeling for me.  I have been off for five days and I am feeling more me-ish again.  Self-medicating (or self-unmedicating) isn't usually my style, but I have found that I really need to voice my opinions more in my doctor/patient relationships; too many times in the past have I just sat idly by and let my life be controlled by doctors who didn't want to hear my concerns or comments but would rather get me in and out.  I trust my body, I know when I am sick, I know when I am fertile and when I am not, I know when something is right and I know when something isn't.  We, as human beings, should take more control in our healthcare and start at home.  Get to know our bodies and our minds, and our souls.  Why are walking blindly into a doctors office and accepting whatever pill or medical jargon they want to throw our way?  Am I completely discounting the medical profession?  Absolutely not, but we must be the first line of defense in our health.  Take care of ourselves, learn to heal from the inside out and all that.  I am speaking to myself here as well.  Even when it came to the birth of my son, I LET them walk all over me.  I LET them take complete control of his birth and both he and I nearly paid the price.  I am going to go in for these labs and then go into my appointment.  I know she is going to react badly to me stopping the zoloft, but I will defend my choice to my last.  Even my menstrual cycle was affected and this upsets me greatly.  Not to mention the weird heart palpitations.  If these labs prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that something is wrong with me inside then I will do what I must to change that, as holistically as possible.  No more doping me up; I am not doing that again.  Some of you may think I am crazy, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes then keep your opinions to yourself. 

~Sally

"No poo?" or "Poopoo?"

So I guess when I started this venture into saving money and being more natural, I became a little overzealous and now my hair is paying for it.  I absolutely love our homemade laundry soap, our garden seedlings seem to be doing well (we will have an abundance of brussels sprouts, cabbage, and broccoli, but eh..), vinegar cleans everything, and our efforts to save money by eating out less are paying off.  That said, I started out by doing this "no poo" thing, because I am aiming for more natural living and because I wanted to save money (I go through shampoo like you wouldn't believe).  When I first started out, it was great and my hair was smooth, scalp was clean, and yada yada.  When I read up on it some more (I was starting to have a problem with the "white stuff" on my scalp...oh yeah, the dreaded "D" word.) I noticed I had been going about this whole process the wrong way.  Apparently,  you do not wash your hair with baking soda every shower.  Oh no, you give it one good wash and then you rinse your hair with water at every shower until your scalp balances out.  The whole idea with using b/s and ACV is to give your scalp a chance to regulate the oils secreted; traditional shampoos and conditioners contain numerous hard-to-pronounce stuff that strips your hair of its natural oils...thus causing your scalp to overproduce these oils and you wash your hair to try and remove them and then cover them in the conditioner in an attempt to put that back, thus the cycle repeats itself.  Every person that has gone "no poo" has said there is a transition period when your hair will continue to overproduce oils and your hair will look like you just dumped an entire bottle of baby oil in it (oh, that's just me?).  Some people said it took a couple weeks, some a few months.  MONTHS?!  I have exhausted every hairstyle possible to try and make myself look presentable without coming across as some crazy I-am not-washing-my-hair-because-I-am-sticking-it-to-the-man type woman.  Friends, my hair better hurry this transition period up or I will have no choice but to buy some expensive sulfate free hair cleansers. Any thoughts or suggestions? 

Headaches....

I have been experiencing pretty severe migraines now for about the last 6 months or so.  At first I attributed it to the change in environment and the stresses of our abrupt life changes and the stressors that some with it.  When they didn't subside and became for frequent, I started to take OTC meds and they helped for a bit.  At the pleas of my husband and my Pastor, I decided to make a doctor appointment.  That was an adventure; it took me almost two weeks to find a doctor office that would A.)  Take our insurance and B) Take new patients.  I finally had my doc appointment yesterday, which happened to be a day or so after I'd had a pretty bad migraine that kept me on my butt all day.  Sometimes I will have what I call residual headaches, that feel almost like aftershocks of the migraine; they are not fun at all.  I went into this appointment thinking that I was probably going to hear about my weight, but I was optimistic that the doctor would actually want to find out what is wrong.  A little background on me; I have been heavy my entire life.  Literally.  I don't know what it feels like to be skinny and if I am to be honest, I don't really care to ever know.  There was a time when my life's ambition was to be thin, but after suffering from anorexia-bulimia for a bit in high school and still not looking the way I wanted; I ballooned right back up my senior year.  ANYWAY, every time I have had a doctor appointment I have heard about my weight.  "You need to lose weight."  "You are in danger of (insert scary medical term here)."  I am tired of hearing this.  Yes, I know that I weigh more than what the BMI chart says I should.  Yes, I realize that I could afford to lose some weight.  At this particular appointment, I had told my doctor about the major stresses in my life right now and she acted as if I shouldn't be stressed that our lives were changed when Travis got out of the Army.  I am going to say this ONE TIME, to anyone who thinks it should be an easy transition:  We LOVED our life in the Army; yeah there were times when I complained about the situations or people, but Travis LOVED being a soldier and I LOVED the fact that I actually fit in somewhere.  We were not given a choice about whether or not we wanted to stay and live that lifestyle.  MY HUSBAND WAS WOUNDED IN COMBAT, HAD NO RECOVERY OR RECUPERATION TIME AND BECAUSE OF HIS POOR COMMAND WAS NO LONGER ABLE TO DO HIS JOB and without so much as a "Thank you for your service..." our future plans, hopes, and dreams were ripped away and we were thrust back into civilian life...which is on a completely different plane.  So yeah, I'm still stressing about it...not as much in the past few months, because we are FINALLY finding a groove that works for us, but it still hurts to think about how our lives will never be the same.  Back to the point; this doctor, like every other in my entire life, completely looked over the fact that I have gone through major life changes, I do exercise, and I actually eat a lot better than most people do.  She was a really nice person, and that made her words even more hurtful.  She told me I had high blood pressure which was causing my migraines and it's because I need to lose weight.  *sigh*  I weighed more than this when we moved to Germany and I didn't suffer migraines or high blood pressure.  I explained to her that I was very nervous and even in some pain, but of course she paid no mind to that because my weight is the root of all evil.  I have been researching the heck out of blood pressure and what she said was high, is in fact still in the normal range.  Then she wanted me to go on birth control so she could give me a medication (not safe for pregnancy) that would lower my b/p and help with the migraines.  I told her absolutely not; I have a hard enough time getting (and staying) pregnant while OFF birth control and there is no way I am compromising any chances we have to have more children.  So I take the other med she prescribed that is safe for pregnancy, and I wake up this morning bloated as if I had eaten an entire container of salt.  The main side affect of this med is water weight gain...go figure.  So now she wants me to take an anti-depressant med that also helps with migraines, but it won't help my blood pressure.  Seriously!?  There is more to this, but I am getting a headache just thinking about it.  If she was really trying to motivate to lose weight than she went about it the wrong way.  Did I mention that she was tall, thin, and young?  Of course I would get her as my doctor.  She was sweet to boot.  I have never left a doctors office in tears before, so full of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. 

The Little Boy...

I have been looking over old photos and videos taken of TJ today, conception to now.  I have also noticed a severe lack of photos and videos taken since our move back stateside.  I am going to rectify this situation immediately.  I have been taking my son for granted; it isn't just the lack of photos and videos.  Most of you know the struggles Travis and I went through just to have a living child and how, when we finally birthed our son, we came very close to losing him.   This last year I have been so wrapped up in our abrupt life changes that I forgot I have a walking-talking miracle who has been getting bigger and smarter every single day.  I feel like such a horrible mother, and wife, and friend, and daughter, and sister, and all around just horrible person (a whole other blog in itself).  Like Hannah said in 1Sam. 1:27, "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to Him."  I have prayed for my son and his life more than I have prayed for anything before.  I really hate that I have taken him for granted; tomorrow is promised to no one.  Watching these old videos and looking at these old pictures, I don't think I ever put the camera down.  I am going to start enjoying my family again; more importantly, my son.  He deserves a mother who is better than what I have been lately.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't neglected him in any way...I just need to be better for him and to him.  A friend of mine said recently that she was so lost in her depression that she didn't enjoy her children anymore, she just went through the motions.  I kind of feel the same way.  In Jesus name, I abolish this unholy spirit and loose the spirit of God upon my life and upon my relationship with my son.  In Jesus name, Amen.    I love TJ with all my heart; he is literally a part of me and a part of my best friend in the whole world.  I am done letting every day go by with no memories captured, no memories made. I am choosing to take advantage of every minute I have with my special boy, who still has that sweet newborn smell.  The little boy who first learned to clap his hands when he was just 4 months old.  The little boy who still calls milk, "mama."  The little boy who comes running up to me and hugs me with a fierceness I have never known and takes my breath away with the fierceness of his love.  The little boy who had my heart from the moment I saw his little heart beating away on that screen.  The little boy I prayed so very hard for.  

First time....

All the research, all the speeches, all the information and then putting it into practice....just went to waste.  I have always considered myself a somewhat "granola" mommy (cloth diapers, gentle parenting, breastfeeding, natural stuff, etc.) but today I broke one of the most important rules in my home.  I swatted my tot on the butt today for repeatedly getting into the dvd cases; time out didn't work, redirection didn't work, a smack on the patty didn't work....nothing worked.  I didn't do it hard at all, because I really didn't want to do this.  I grew up in an abusive home and I have always said I wouldn't ever hit my children.  I feel like a horrible mommy.  I know other people spank their children and maybe that works for THEIR families, but this is not the way that I want to discipline MY children because I KNOW there are better and more effective ways.  The emotions coursing through me right now...I know will not ever do this again... I cannot.  Of course he wasn't phased by it, but I have been in a sort of stupor ever since.  Truly this hurt me more than it hurt him.  My God...I need t give myself a time out.

Breakthrough..

Have you ever reached that point where enough is enough?  I have.  My son has developed a mean streak and it seems to be aimed at me, as he hit me and then stabbed me with his fork this evening at dinner.  The dog peed in the house twice tonight after being taken out.  After this sudden flare up of agitated-ness, I literally had to speak in a calm manner or I was going to lose it with my son and my dog.  I changed TJ's diaper and put him to bed and then I took the dog outside and put him in timeout in his crate.  I am not a spanking mom...but I was so tempted tonight.  If this is just a taste of what they call the terrible 2's....I am going to be needing a lot of green tea and prayer time.  I am finally seeing the end of this depression streak and I am so thankful because I am starting to feel like myself and not some out of control woman.  The move, the transition, the unknown, the whole change within the last year has really hit me hard...not to mention I was dealing with a late onset of PPD.  I don't normally speak about these things because they are rather personal, but I feel like why should I be afraid of what someone else is going to think or say about me?  I mean, yeah it would hurt my feelings at first, but then I just remember that those people are not God and their approval is not needed.

I have had some really bad days this past year and even a few stretches of weeks where I thought I would need to speak with someone.  God knows my heart, and how because of my past I am extremely reluctant to go that route.  He has provided me with some awesome people in my life that seem to know just when I need them.  Sometimes I get so lost in what goes on my little world that I forget other people go through stuff as well.  This is what lead to me over-react in a situation and make a very poor decision.  Thankfully, God had his hand in this circumstance rather quickly and restoration was possible.  The point is I am finally getting my breakthrough and I am glad because it has been a very long while since I have played my guitar or wrote any music (and those of you who know me, know that I live/breath/sleep music).

I have also picked up the art of crochet.  I made a washcloth for TJ's kitchen, am making a surprise for a friend, and have attempted a beanie...only to tear it apart twice now.  Practice makes perfect!

I feel a lot better after getting this off my heart.  Thanks for listening and God bless you.

~Sally

Say it with me, "F-R-A-Z-Z-L-E-D"

The toddler may or may not have pink eye and got a really bad diaper rash out of nowhere, the dog has peed in the house twice today, my husband isn't feeling well but went to work anyway, and I have nearly lost it with all three of them at some point today.  Not to mention I am behind on laundry and dishes, but what else is new?  Frazzled is how I am feeling at the moment.  I had a wonderful time at church this morning, but I did have to leave early.  I decided to bring the hubs coffee to make him feel better and let him know I am thinking of him, the dog is in his crate for a time out because I fear I may actually rub his nose in the carpet if he pees on it one more time today, and I put TJ in a nice hot bubble bath because that always helps the little booger calm down.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my life because I know I have it good, thanks to God...but today has been one of those days and I am in constant mini-prayer (Lord, please help me..).  I'm not sure if I am missing his cues or what, but Jazz has gone out to pee and poo and then come right in to pee.  Is this normal? How do I stop this?  This is so unsanitary to me, even after I clean the spot up.  TJ has had some goopy yellow stuff in his tear ducts and his little eyeball has some angry red veins...is this pink eye?  Whose pillow fart did he catch?!  Travis hasn't been feeling well since his VA appointments this past week, I think having to talk about everything 3 different times has taken its toll on him for now.  I just needed a moment to get everything down and out of my mind, because then I can re-group and refocus on the important tasks at hand.  The sermon this morning was on worry.  Am I worried about all these things today?  Not really, they just frustrate me.  I know my dog will eventually learn that the carpet is not meant for peeing but lounging on, my son will receive the healing for his little butt and his eye, and my husband is a strong and mighty man of God and I know that God is healing him.  I also know that my frazzled state won't last but for a second; I am already feeling more calm than I was prior to typing this up.  I love my life, even if it is crazy, loud, unpredictable, and anything but normal.  Be blessed peeps.

Baking soda gets the grease out!

In an effort to help reduce our rather large carbon footprint and just be healthier people, in general, I have started to implement the use of natural and more homemade products for our family.  My first efforts have included re-introducing cloth diapers into our household.  I will admit, I got really lazy when it came to cloth diapering..mainly because there was a point when TJ had such chunky thighs that the diapers were leaving angry red marks and I couldn't bare to see my baby bear in any pain.  Anyway, I have brought them back now that the little dude has thinned out a bit and it is helping.  While we still aren't exclusively cloth diapering, which is my goal here, we are still cutting our 'sposie diaper use in half.  I must say these cloth diapers have taken a beating and they are still just as good (if  not better than) when I first purchased and prepped them.  Other introductions have included the use of homemade laundry soap.  5 gallons of this stuff and it should last us at least 9 months or more.  We have an HE top loader so we don't use as much as recommended and it has been great so far, even with T's car-greased stained clothes and work pants.  It is gentle enough to use on the c/d's and tough on even the oiliest of grease stains.  I love the stuff, so much in fact that I gave some to my mom to use.  We also implemented a new strategy to help lower our water usage; I got this idea from a natural living site.  We now use the motto, "If it's yellow, let it mellow.  If it's brown, flush it down."  I know it sounds gross, but in the name of saving money and reducing our water usage; I am all for it.  As far as personal care goes, I have forgone the use of shampoo and conditioner and instead keep my hair clean and conditioned with baking soda and apple cider vinegar.  Shampoo contains chemicals that strip the hair of natural oils, causing the scalp to over-produce these necessary oils that protect the hair.  Conditioners leave so much residue that the hair is coated in "gunk" and it may not all come out with shampoo.  Not to mention shampoo and conditioners are expensive.  I have been using this for a little over a week now and I must say, I don't have to clean my hair as much because it isn't as greasy as it normally is (oh the joy of thin and fine hair) and my ends are more manageable and less dry, thanks to the apple cider vinegar.  I usually follow with an olive oil spritz; it helps neutralize what little odor the acv leaves behind and acts as an additional detangler/leave in conditioner.  I don't think I will be using shampoo or conditioner ever again, but who knows when I will want the smell of strawberries or something in my luscious locks?  I credit a lot of my findings to the website, "Pinterest."  People pin images of people, places, things, ideas, etc.  I have found many recipes, craft ideas, natural living ideas, and fun stuff on that site.  I recommend a visit to that site. 

I am also planning on homebirths for our future children.  I have spoken with fellow moms/friends who have experienced this and even got some pretty honest advice from a doula who attended TJ's birth, I am also in touch with some local midwives here in MI.  Most people that I have spoken with about this think I am nuts and try to use TJ's birth as an excuse for me to be in a hospital.  I can honestly say that because of my horrible experience with the birth of our son, I am positive a homebirth will help to heal still-open wounds the bond with my husband and son will become stronger.  I am aware of statistics, I am very well aware something could do wrong (after all, it happened the first time), I am also aware that women have been giving birth since the beginning of time.  I am aware that my body will do what it needs to do in order to safely birth my son; in the event that all measures taken are not working I can always go to the hospital.  I am thankful that I have that option, but it will not be my first choice.  I prefer to not be hooked up to every beeping and blinking piece of technology and not have to be strapped down to a bed.  I prefer to be able to move around and trust my body.  Homebirth is not for everyone; one of my doulas told me this.  She also told me she was certain this is something I could do.  Some women need the comfort of a hospital and that is fine; I am glad we were in a hospital for TJ's birth (even if it was a result of too much intervention) and I am glad I have that option.  I am excited for this.  I am not even pregnant yet, and I am already psyching myself up for this!

Later this spring/summer we are going to put up some gutters and have a "rain barrel" to collect the rain water so we can water our plants.  I also plan on hanging a lot of our clothes to dry outside; sunning is the best deodorizer and stain remover!  I am excited for our family to be more natural and save money! 

The Anti-Annoyed...

So the other day when I posted about being annoyed, I truly was annoyed.  With people and various circumstances in which I find myself on a day to day basis.  However, I promised a change this year did I not?  In my defense, I would just like to say that Wednesday was a very emotionally tough day for me; many realizations had dawned on me all at once and I was not prepared for the onslaught of heartache.  That said, I am doing much better after having promised myself to move forward and given these people/situations to God because I am simply done with trying to deal with them on my own.  Clearly, these were issues that I knew would need to be dealt with at some point, but I was so focused on being happy that I tucked them away in that deep part of my brain known as, "deal with it later," and somehow they spilled out.  It was a very good thing I had church that evening, because being with my church family was just what the "good" Doctor ordered.  Now with all THAT said, I would like to write an anti-annoyed list and share with you all (okay, just me...but still) to counteract the negativity of my last post (although, the peeing thing really DOES annoy me).  I present to you, in no particular order, 35 things that make me happy!  Enjoy. 

1.)  Waking up to sunshine instead of overcast skies.
2.) Watching elderly couples flirt after all the years they've been together. - My grandparents aren't together anymore, but even I can see they still sort of regard each other in "that" way...they think I don't know.
3.) People who call me from time to time just to say hi and check in. - Granted, I am not the best at keeping in touch with people but it is nice to hear from someone every once in a while...I ought to take my own advice.
4.) When I see daddies wearing their babies. - There is nothing more masculine than taking care of your babies, and being a baby-wearer myself...it is especially "awwww" worthy when a dad does it.
5.) Listening to my son talk himself to sleep. - Even after nearly 3 years of having him....sometimes I am still amazed that he is my baby.
6.) When I see the opportunity to give to someone in need and it seems like everything is in place for me to do so. - It never fails and I love helping people, everyone deserves kindness.
7.)  Singing in front of people, especially my church family. - Whether a big crowd or a small gathering, bringing emotion to people through song is something that I will never tire of.

8.) Babies. - They smell good, they are cute, they are innocence personified.
9.) When my husband cooks me an omelette.- Getting him to cook me an omelette is like asking the Pope to come to a Gospel church service...you would think I was asking him for a kidney.  Man that man cook a mean omelette though.
10.) Purses.- I have one in nearly every color of the rainbow.  I am not a purse snob, I don't care what brand as long as it is cute.
11.) When I can share my testimony of infertility.- I was told that I may never have children, but I do and he is the best!
12.) Chili's Buffalo Chicken Salad. - I have tried to recreate this amazing salad to no avail.  I am hooked.
13.) Fried Pickles.- Because duh!
14.) Being married to someone who has seen me at my worst and still thinks I am the hottest woman ever.- God really broke the mold with that man.
15.) When I put on a coat after not wearing it for very long, and I find money in the pocket. - This is awesome because it has happened nearly every winter for the past few years.  Keep it comin'!
16.) When I see a new mom or a seasoned mom breastfeeding their baby without apology.- One of my biggest fears of moving back to this country was all the nonsense over breastfeeding and how I would cope, because in Europe this isn't an issue at all.  Whenever I see a mama feeding her baby in public, I smile at her and let her know that I have her back.  I always get a knowing smile right back. 
17.) When I am feeling a little blue or a little sick and my boy comes up to me, hugs me, kisses me, and says, "mama." - That right there?  I don't ever want to take that for granted, I feel instantly better.
18.) When people are losing weight for health and for themselves, not for society or because someone else told them to. - Do it for you, not for someone else...it isn't their body.
19.) Coffee. - I do take some coffee with my flavored creamers...hehe.
20.) Lying down on freshly laundered sheets.- They are so soft and smell so good.
21.) Being able to walk into a store and buy something if the opportunity arises.- I will never take this for granted again. 
22.) Knowing that this earth is not my forever home.- I used to think people who believed in God were crazy and that Heaven was just a nice little fantasy they told themselves to make themselves feel better.  After everything I have been through in my life, I now understand those people.  I am so glad I will go to Heaven.
23.) Sunny days. - Must be the vitamin D.
24.) Amusement Parks.- Although I don't love roller coasters as much as I used to, I still love the smaller rides and just spending a fun day with my family and friends.
25.) Jesus. - This should go without saying, but I say it anyway.
26.) My husband. - He has done a lot with his life and he makes me so proud and happy to be his wife.
27.) Me. - I am finally becoming happy with me and who I am.
28.) The first bite into a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. - Yup, it is that good.
29.) When I balance my checkbook and it actually balances! - I am such a nerd, I get geeked over this.
30.) When good things happen to my family and friends. - I weep when they weep and I rejoice when they rejoice.
31.) When someone takes the time to be honest with me, even if its not what I want to hear. - Very seldom do I come across people who tell me the truth in a loving way, instead they wish to lie to me and it hurts because I know I am worthy of the truth.
32.) When I am having a bad day and I am praying to God for help and suddenly the phone rings and the person who was on my heart is on the other end. - This has happened to me on many occasions, I thank God each and every time.
33.) People who love me, even when I am unlovable. - Need I say more?
34.) Sitting on my chaise lounge with a cup of coffee and relaxing. - I just close my eyes and thank God for the little things.
35.) People who overcome adversity.- This makes me happy.

Not a long list, but just some of the things that make me happy.  What makes you happy?  What or whom do you love?  If you are reading this and I haven't called you or communicated with you in quite some time; I apologize for being such a lousy friend/family member.  You are important to me and I want you to know that.  You are in every prayer, in my heart, and in my mind.  616-808-6146 is my cell, so we can text or call.  I don't care who calls whom, I just want you to know that I love you and I am asking for your forgiveness if I have hurt you by not keeping in contact with you.  I love you and God bless!

~Sally

Annoyed meme....

I haven't really been inspired to write a witty blog post lately; call it a lack of creative flow (or that I just didn't feel like writing).  It seems like every time I blog lately it is a negative ranting post or some random update about our family and how TJ is doing.  I would like to say that I am done ranting and raving, but sadly that isn't the case.  I've just been seeing a lot of "things" lately that irritate me. For your enjoyment, here is a list (in no particular order) of 35 things/people that annoy me.  Wait, but Sally...aren't you a Christian?  Shouldn't you pray for people or situations that annoy you?  For shame!  Yes, I am a Christian...but I also have emotions because, guess what?  I AM HUMAN.  I am allowed to get mad, angry, sad, etc.  The difference between me and someone who isn't saved?  You tell me, because a Saint is just a sinner who fell down..and got up.  I just don't let my emotions dictate how I treat others; after all everyone is going through something and far be it from me to belittle them (as hard as that is).  So, without further delay....

1.)  People who let their dogs run freely through the neighborhood. - Seriously, you have two large dogs that can jump over the fence and poop in my yard.  I dealt with this in Army housing, I will NOT tolerate in my own home.  Keep your canines in check please.

2.)  People who park their vehicles in front of my house. - Is it hurting me?  No.  We have had to share parking spaces for the last 3 years...since we now have our own property, it would be nice to park out front if we feel like it!

3.)  People who say, "Call me if you need anything!" - I have heard this too many times by too many people who didn't mean it.  Cynical of me, but I am working on it.

4.)  Women who complain about their husbands being gone for a weekend. - The Army wife in me says, "Try it for a year, on top of having your first miscarriage alone, with nobody but a nurse."  I miss field training exercises...

5.) When I get home and suddenly have the urge to pee really bad, even though I didn't need to just a few minutes ago...and for some reason it takes longer to get in the house. - This happens all the time.  Does my bladder detect when our toilet is within 50 feet?

6.) Women who have their babies early just to avoid having a large baby and/or stretch marks. - I cannot believe that some doctors allow this to happen.  Unless their is a medical reason, this shouldn't be allowed.

7.) Doctors who dismiss my health concerns and tell me to lose weight and it will cure all my ills.- Really?  I   was not aware that losing weight could solve my mole issues.  

8.) When I am mistaken for Kirsten Dunst. - This has actually happened to me.  Do I look skinny and blonde?  Wow, get your glasses fixed there dude.

9.) When the captain says, "We are experiencing mild turbulence..." and the plane makes a sudden drop. - Pretty sure that was more than sweat in my seat when I got up after the flight ended, just sayin'.  Mild is a little juggling, when the overhead compartments pop open...it is time to talk safety!

10.) People who tell me what I should/shouldn't post on my blog or facebook. - Pretty sure it is mine and if you don't like it, don't read...that is all I ask!

11.) When people assume I do nothing all day when they find out I am not currently working. - This is not by choice, mind you.  I would work if I could find a job willing to work around our family schedule.  I have yet to find daycare that is open after 6PM and all the potential employers want me to work nights and weekends.  

12.)  Family and friends who don't respond to my messages, emails, or wall posts, even after weeks. - Am I silly because this bothers me?  I don't know, all I know it that it does.  

13.)  When I go into a room for something and suddenly have amnesia and cannot remember what I was doing or why I'm in that room. - I really don't like this one.

14.)  When I am walking through a doorway and jam my arm or elbow into the wall. - Someone with fibromyalgia will understand.  Bumping into things or even light touches often feel like someone is digging into our muscles with knives...not fun.

15.)  People who think women should put a cover over their nursing infant. - I get you don't want to see a breast, because God knows you don't see enough of them in every day television or commercial ads.  How about next time you are eating at the sunny spot in the park on a hot summer day, I come along and throw a nice polyester lined blanket over your head...I don't want to see you chewing with your mouth open.

16.) Trains that take FOREVER at railroad crossings. - People in Indiana will sympathize.

17.) Trains that come to sudden stops at railroad crossings. - See above.

18.) The fact that I care at all what other people think. - While I don't like confrontation or being mean to people, I am not here to please you.  

19.) Snow. - Need I say more?  

20.) People who gossip. - If you talk about your friend this way, I don't need to be your friend.  If you are that unhappy with someone, then tell them.

21.) When I get home from the grocery store and realize I forgot to use the coupons I had saved. - This really bugs me.

22.) When people assume my husband isn't disabled because he isn't missing any limbs. - This is sheer ignorance.  Wounded Veterans don't always look wounded.

23.)  The westboro baptist church people. - They annoy me for several reasons, not the least of which is they give Christianity a bad name.  I promise, we are not all death-loving, world-hating, people.  Did you know these people cuss freely?  Wow.

24.)  Men who believe a woman should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. - Get over yourself.

25.) People who think they are better parents because they have more children than me. - Congratulations, you're reproductive system works better than mine....but your children need guidance.

26.) When I go to correct my son and he throws his arms around my neck and says, "mama." - Resistance is futile.  

27.) When I am trying to walk out of someones path and we end up doing "the dance."- This is just awkward for all involved.

28.) When I need to get through an aisle and one person is taking up all the space, sees me coming and ignores my asking to pass by. - Lord, I need your hand over my mouth when it comes to these people. 

29.) When I send someone a long worded text or message and I get an "OK" in response. - My sister and dad are soooo guilty of this.

30.) When I change TJs diaper and he poops immediately afterward. - *insert facepalm here*

31.) People who think I can't take a joke. - I can take a joke, you just assume I'll be offended.

32.) People who drink and drive. - RIP James, I miss you big bro.

33.) When I am driving on the road and I suddenly panic that I forgot TJ at home, look into the rearview mirror and he is there. - STUPID BRAIN!

35.) People who automatically assume I am unhealthy because I am plus sized. - Please get your head out of the weight-room long enough to do your research.  If I was unhealthy, you would actually have a valid argument.

There you go peeps.  I needed to write this down and purge these negative feelings from within.  It's a cathartic experience, like crying...only I am not ruining my eye makeup.  As always, God bless and see ya later!

Like a volcano...

Today TJ had his first meltdown.  We took him to the mall to play in the kids area (which consists are giant pieces of breakfast food like eggs, cereal, waffles, etc.) and he played for quite a while.  Then he discovered the exists and took off a total of....ok I lost track of how many times he tried to run out.  After the Nth time he took off, he was told if he did this again we would be leaving because running away from mommy and daddy is not acceptable nor is it safe.  Needless to say he tried taking off once more so we packed up and proceeded to head out.  He started to cry and bend himself backwards (the toddler version of the alligator death roll) and then started screaming, "play, play, mama, daddy, PLAY!"  Needless to say, it was a sight to see.  Granted, this wasn't the worst tantrum I have witnessed, but it was TJ's first real battle.  We walked around for a bit and distracted him with various questions, "What's that? Who's that?" until the tears stopped and he was his normal happy self.  I can say that I have been preparing for these tantrums by helping TJ to learn about feelings, but todays experience has me thinking about more ways he can learn how to express his feelings.  *phew*

New Year, new attitude, new changes....

Happy New Year!  I love writing year in review posts almost as much as I enjoy reading them.  It's always nice to rejoice with someone who has overcome adversity over the last year, on the other hand it is a blessing to be able to offer encouragement to someone who is still going through something.  You may have noticed the layout is a bit different; I changed it to suit our life changes.  Let's take a look at what 2011 offered to the Moser family, shall we?

The beginning of 2011 was a month of anticipation and preparation for us.  We knew we were on our way out of the military; we were preparing to say goodbye to friends and hello to a new/old way of life.  Going back to civilian life sounds easy, but when you have been part of a military family the transition is difficult at best.  At least for our family.  God is still bringing us through, as Travis and I still both struggle with losing our Army family, and I know peace is just around the corner for us.  With that said, we were able to visit Rome for the second time, which was amazing as we were able to see more of the city and surrounding areas than our previous visit...not to mention we had an extra person with us this time.  TJ just makes everything better; seeing the world as he does is humbling.  He is still learning how to behave and what is inappropriate and what is acceptable.  2011 also saw us become the victims of nosy and incredibly judgmental prejudice, when we were reported for child abuse.  Someone didn't like the way I chose to discipline my son, who had a biting problem at the time, and decided I needed to be in trouble.  I have favor with God though, and the agency knew me well.  I thank God that His hand was over that situation, but I will admit that I lost my temper and *temporarily* my mind.  I have forgiven that wrong, just this morning in fact.  I refuse to be bound by unforgiveness, so I made up my mind to move forward.  2011 also saw two of my very best friends have their miracle babies.  One was a complete shocker and the other was long awaited.  While I didn't make it in time to welcome little "C" into the world, I was able to make in time to be one of the very first people to love on him.  I sure hope his mama knows how much I appreciate that!  For baby "T" I was there for it all; labor to birth.  What an incredible experience!  To watch her work so hard to bring him into this world and then watch as he took his first breath of life; beautiful!!  That is one experience I will always cherish.  Thank you Kayla for letting me be there, you will never know how honored I feel to have witnessed his birth!  We celebrated TJ's 1st birthday in Germany and boy is that kid loved by many!  He was spoiled with gifts and hugs and kisses galore!  2011 also saw us moving back stateside.  Here we are, nearly 5 months later, and we are still adjusting.  Thank God for His abundant mercy and many blessings or we would have completely lost it!  People said we wouldn't be able to find a home or a job and within 3 months of moving back we bought a house, Travis got a job, and we have a wonderful church home.  See how GREAT God is?!  Our own families were telling us these things wouldn't happen...but God made a way out of no way!  I am still in awe.  We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families for the first time in years and it was a blessing.  Sometimes Travis and I sit and talk about Fort Riley or Baumholder, from time to time, and wish we could go back...but we know this is where God wants us to be.  I am thankful because this has given Travis and I the opportunity to grow closer to one another.  He has started to open up to me about some of the things he has gone through while in the Army.  I am able to open up about some things we well.  God is allowing healing and restoration to take place, I could not ask for more.  Travis is getting ready to receive a good report from the VA, I am waiting for the right job opportunity and school opportunity to come along, and TJ is growing by leaps and bounds.


In short, 2011 saw our family suffer a great loss when Travis was taken off active duty and his files officially closed.  We both feel like we lost our family.  Granted, 6 years isn't a majority of a lifetime...but it feels like it when you've given as much as we have and sacrificed as much we have.  2011 also saw God bring us up out of the pits of despair, because we both went through depression (I had a late on-set of PPD) and it was really wearing on our family and faith.  We have been blessed beyond measure, we've watched our friends come home from war (we celebrate with you all in spirit), moved closer to our family, we have 24 hour shopping, we have money to eat and pay the bills, and we have a HOME!  2012 is going to bring us so much more joy and happiness!  God is going to open a window of Heaven and the blessings will fall in abundance!

This year I am changing my attitude.  I am not going look at the glass half empty.  I want to be a better person; smile more, laugh more, enjoy my life more, not take my blessings for granted, enjoy my son instead of yelling at him, love on my husband instead of criticize him, tell my friends and family how much I love them as often as possible, open up to people, stop hiding behind other peoples' opinions and form my own.  Stand up for my beliefs and have more faith in God.

I pray that each of you have a prosperous new year and that, if you don't know who God is...that you seek Him and find Him.  I know, it sounds crazy when people quote scriptures or continuously praise God...but He is awesome and I want for all of you to experience His grace.  From someone who used to be the biggest skeptic...if you only knew what God has in store for you.  Much love!

~Sally