Meds...

After the horrible experience with the methyldopa (the massive swelling) the doctor wanted to put me on zoloft.  I am very leery of antidepressants; they make me zombie-like...but I went ahead with her advice and started taking it.  I am aware that these drugs take some time to "build up" in the system, but it is my firm belief that any type of drug introduced into the body (in any form) can have an affect at any time (i.e. the severe edema experienced not even 24 hours after the initial dose of methyldopa).  Well a little after two weeks of taking the sertraline (zoloft) I started to notice MAJOR mood changes and differences in my thought patterns.  I was becoming depressed and I know depression like the back of my hand; crying bouts, thoughts/feelings of utter despair, lonliness, etc.  At first I thought it was perhaps my cycle starting up, but then I noticed that I started to become more apathetic in my daily activities/routines.  After some prayer (which I was even finding difficult to have any interest in) I decided to do some research on zoloft and the potential risks and side effects.  So glad I did my research, as I found that a lot of people who were prescribed zoloft for symptoms other than depression,  often experienced abrupt changes in mood, behavior, or thought patterns.  In short, people who are not depressed should not take an anti-depressant, because it can actually CAUSE depression!  After a particularly bad episode (because I had still continued with the zoloft) I was really feeling, in my gut, that something wasn't right.  I spoke with two different people about my issues and after some prayer and more research (of course), I decided that I had had enough.  I stopped taking the zoloft and two days later I finally felt like the clouds were lifted away from my head (if that makes sense).  I felt as though I had been walking in a fog.  Now, I have been depressed before, I have suffered PPD...but this was a completely different feeling for me.  I have been off for five days and I am feeling more me-ish again.  Self-medicating (or self-unmedicating) isn't usually my style, but I have found that I really need to voice my opinions more in my doctor/patient relationships; too many times in the past have I just sat idly by and let my life be controlled by doctors who didn't want to hear my concerns or comments but would rather get me in and out.  I trust my body, I know when I am sick, I know when I am fertile and when I am not, I know when something is right and I know when something isn't.  We, as human beings, should take more control in our healthcare and start at home.  Get to know our bodies and our minds, and our souls.  Why are walking blindly into a doctors office and accepting whatever pill or medical jargon they want to throw our way?  Am I completely discounting the medical profession?  Absolutely not, but we must be the first line of defense in our health.  Take care of ourselves, learn to heal from the inside out and all that.  I am speaking to myself here as well.  Even when it came to the birth of my son, I LET them walk all over me.  I LET them take complete control of his birth and both he and I nearly paid the price.  I am going to go in for these labs and then go into my appointment.  I know she is going to react badly to me stopping the zoloft, but I will defend my choice to my last.  Even my menstrual cycle was affected and this upsets me greatly.  Not to mention the weird heart palpitations.  If these labs prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that something is wrong with me inside then I will do what I must to change that, as holistically as possible.  No more doping me up; I am not doing that again.  Some of you may think I am crazy, but until you've walked a mile in my shoes then keep your opinions to yourself. 

~Sally

"No poo?" or "Poopoo?"

So I guess when I started this venture into saving money and being more natural, I became a little overzealous and now my hair is paying for it.  I absolutely love our homemade laundry soap, our garden seedlings seem to be doing well (we will have an abundance of brussels sprouts, cabbage, and broccoli, but eh..), vinegar cleans everything, and our efforts to save money by eating out less are paying off.  That said, I started out by doing this "no poo" thing, because I am aiming for more natural living and because I wanted to save money (I go through shampoo like you wouldn't believe).  When I first started out, it was great and my hair was smooth, scalp was clean, and yada yada.  When I read up on it some more (I was starting to have a problem with the "white stuff" on my scalp...oh yeah, the dreaded "D" word.) I noticed I had been going about this whole process the wrong way.  Apparently,  you do not wash your hair with baking soda every shower.  Oh no, you give it one good wash and then you rinse your hair with water at every shower until your scalp balances out.  The whole idea with using b/s and ACV is to give your scalp a chance to regulate the oils secreted; traditional shampoos and conditioners contain numerous hard-to-pronounce stuff that strips your hair of its natural oils...thus causing your scalp to overproduce these oils and you wash your hair to try and remove them and then cover them in the conditioner in an attempt to put that back, thus the cycle repeats itself.  Every person that has gone "no poo" has said there is a transition period when your hair will continue to overproduce oils and your hair will look like you just dumped an entire bottle of baby oil in it (oh, that's just me?).  Some people said it took a couple weeks, some a few months.  MONTHS?!  I have exhausted every hairstyle possible to try and make myself look presentable without coming across as some crazy I-am not-washing-my-hair-because-I-am-sticking-it-to-the-man type woman.  Friends, my hair better hurry this transition period up or I will have no choice but to buy some expensive sulfate free hair cleansers. Any thoughts or suggestions? 

Headaches....

I have been experiencing pretty severe migraines now for about the last 6 months or so.  At first I attributed it to the change in environment and the stresses of our abrupt life changes and the stressors that some with it.  When they didn't subside and became for frequent, I started to take OTC meds and they helped for a bit.  At the pleas of my husband and my Pastor, I decided to make a doctor appointment.  That was an adventure; it took me almost two weeks to find a doctor office that would A.)  Take our insurance and B) Take new patients.  I finally had my doc appointment yesterday, which happened to be a day or so after I'd had a pretty bad migraine that kept me on my butt all day.  Sometimes I will have what I call residual headaches, that feel almost like aftershocks of the migraine; they are not fun at all.  I went into this appointment thinking that I was probably going to hear about my weight, but I was optimistic that the doctor would actually want to find out what is wrong.  A little background on me; I have been heavy my entire life.  Literally.  I don't know what it feels like to be skinny and if I am to be honest, I don't really care to ever know.  There was a time when my life's ambition was to be thin, but after suffering from anorexia-bulimia for a bit in high school and still not looking the way I wanted; I ballooned right back up my senior year.  ANYWAY, every time I have had a doctor appointment I have heard about my weight.  "You need to lose weight."  "You are in danger of (insert scary medical term here)."  I am tired of hearing this.  Yes, I know that I weigh more than what the BMI chart says I should.  Yes, I realize that I could afford to lose some weight.  At this particular appointment, I had told my doctor about the major stresses in my life right now and she acted as if I shouldn't be stressed that our lives were changed when Travis got out of the Army.  I am going to say this ONE TIME, to anyone who thinks it should be an easy transition:  We LOVED our life in the Army; yeah there were times when I complained about the situations or people, but Travis LOVED being a soldier and I LOVED the fact that I actually fit in somewhere.  We were not given a choice about whether or not we wanted to stay and live that lifestyle.  MY HUSBAND WAS WOUNDED IN COMBAT, HAD NO RECOVERY OR RECUPERATION TIME AND BECAUSE OF HIS POOR COMMAND WAS NO LONGER ABLE TO DO HIS JOB and without so much as a "Thank you for your service..." our future plans, hopes, and dreams were ripped away and we were thrust back into civilian life...which is on a completely different plane.  So yeah, I'm still stressing about it...not as much in the past few months, because we are FINALLY finding a groove that works for us, but it still hurts to think about how our lives will never be the same.  Back to the point; this doctor, like every other in my entire life, completely looked over the fact that I have gone through major life changes, I do exercise, and I actually eat a lot better than most people do.  She was a really nice person, and that made her words even more hurtful.  She told me I had high blood pressure which was causing my migraines and it's because I need to lose weight.  *sigh*  I weighed more than this when we moved to Germany and I didn't suffer migraines or high blood pressure.  I explained to her that I was very nervous and even in some pain, but of course she paid no mind to that because my weight is the root of all evil.  I have been researching the heck out of blood pressure and what she said was high, is in fact still in the normal range.  Then she wanted me to go on birth control so she could give me a medication (not safe for pregnancy) that would lower my b/p and help with the migraines.  I told her absolutely not; I have a hard enough time getting (and staying) pregnant while OFF birth control and there is no way I am compromising any chances we have to have more children.  So I take the other med she prescribed that is safe for pregnancy, and I wake up this morning bloated as if I had eaten an entire container of salt.  The main side affect of this med is water weight gain...go figure.  So now she wants me to take an anti-depressant med that also helps with migraines, but it won't help my blood pressure.  Seriously!?  There is more to this, but I am getting a headache just thinking about it.  If she was really trying to motivate to lose weight than she went about it the wrong way.  Did I mention that she was tall, thin, and young?  Of course I would get her as my doctor.  She was sweet to boot.  I have never left a doctors office in tears before, so full of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. 

The Little Boy...

I have been looking over old photos and videos taken of TJ today, conception to now.  I have also noticed a severe lack of photos and videos taken since our move back stateside.  I am going to rectify this situation immediately.  I have been taking my son for granted; it isn't just the lack of photos and videos.  Most of you know the struggles Travis and I went through just to have a living child and how, when we finally birthed our son, we came very close to losing him.   This last year I have been so wrapped up in our abrupt life changes that I forgot I have a walking-talking miracle who has been getting bigger and smarter every single day.  I feel like such a horrible mother, and wife, and friend, and daughter, and sister, and all around just horrible person (a whole other blog in itself).  Like Hannah said in 1Sam. 1:27, "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to Him."  I have prayed for my son and his life more than I have prayed for anything before.  I really hate that I have taken him for granted; tomorrow is promised to no one.  Watching these old videos and looking at these old pictures, I don't think I ever put the camera down.  I am going to start enjoying my family again; more importantly, my son.  He deserves a mother who is better than what I have been lately.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't neglected him in any way...I just need to be better for him and to him.  A friend of mine said recently that she was so lost in her depression that she didn't enjoy her children anymore, she just went through the motions.  I kind of feel the same way.  In Jesus name, I abolish this unholy spirit and loose the spirit of God upon my life and upon my relationship with my son.  In Jesus name, Amen.    I love TJ with all my heart; he is literally a part of me and a part of my best friend in the whole world.  I am done letting every day go by with no memories captured, no memories made. I am choosing to take advantage of every minute I have with my special boy, who still has that sweet newborn smell.  The little boy who first learned to clap his hands when he was just 4 months old.  The little boy who still calls milk, "mama."  The little boy who comes running up to me and hugs me with a fierceness I have never known and takes my breath away with the fierceness of his love.  The little boy who had my heart from the moment I saw his little heart beating away on that screen.  The little boy I prayed so very hard for.