First time....

All the research, all the speeches, all the information and then putting it into practice....just went to waste.  I have always considered myself a somewhat "granola" mommy (cloth diapers, gentle parenting, breastfeeding, natural stuff, etc.) but today I broke one of the most important rules in my home.  I swatted my tot on the butt today for repeatedly getting into the dvd cases; time out didn't work, redirection didn't work, a smack on the patty didn't work....nothing worked.  I didn't do it hard at all, because I really didn't want to do this.  I grew up in an abusive home and I have always said I wouldn't ever hit my children.  I feel like a horrible mommy.  I know other people spank their children and maybe that works for THEIR families, but this is not the way that I want to discipline MY children because I KNOW there are better and more effective ways.  The emotions coursing through me right now...I know will not ever do this again... I cannot.  Of course he wasn't phased by it, but I have been in a sort of stupor ever since.  Truly this hurt me more than it hurt him.  My God...I need t give myself a time out.