Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Better.

I feel different.  We moved around our entire kitchen and dining room because we needed more room.  I like how it is set up, but it will take some getting used to...I'm not into feng shui (I don't even know if I've spelled it correctly), but somehow I feel different.  As we were moving things around, Travis and I were having a conversation about our parenting decisions and suddenly I felt different.  I told him as much.  I explained how I've been feeling empty inside and just tired emotionally/physically/mentally/spiritually...but suddenly just felt different.  The feelings weren't bad, almost the tiniest hint of rejuvenation.  Last week was a horrid week in our household on all fronts.  I even hopped on facebook and asked for prayer, which is something I generally don't do but I was desperate.  I am hopeful that the Lord heard someones intercession for us because whatever that darkness was hovering over our house and seeming to follow us everywhere, it is leaving.  Lighter is probably a better word to describe the feeling.  So tonight I sit here feeling contemplative about my relationship with the Lord and for the first time in a very long time have a desire to study my Bible.  Yes, it has been that long.  I was communicating with a friend of mine how far from God I feel lately and how shaky my faith has been; I say lately but is has been the better part of 2 years. That verse that talks about the wishy-washy waves.  That is me, right now.  I feel good, for a minute, but then something happens or someone happens and I am right back down there.  BUT TODAY:  the clouds may be clearing and, however faint and small, God is calling me.  I don't hide my spiritual beliefs, but I don't brag about them either.  God is God all by Himself and he doesn't need me to prove it.  I wish more Christians could understand that. I told Travis that we have a season of "better" before us.  I believe that is what I said to him, better.  2013 brought us new life, new experiences, new challenges, and now a new hope.  I remain hopeful.  I am still learning how to be steadfast.  I cannot tell you how many times, these last couple years, I have fallen down where I stand and just cried out. God says he can make prayers out of moans and groans and that's a good thing because Lord knows I have done just that when crying out. 

"Renew a steadfast spirit within me..."  I hear this in my head and feel it in my very soul.  I know moving around some furniture didn't cause this change, I know it was God.  I am glad that I can feel the negativity moving on, away from my family and our home.  Free.  Light.  I've been teaching TJ a new scripture every week for school and because he is only 3, I try to keep it short and simple so he can memorize it....but I often wonder if I am really the one who is choosing which verse every week.  Here is to hope, change, and better.  I just want to be better.  I know who I want to be, I know who I am now, I know who I don't want to become.  Someone told me once that I act like I am "better than everyone else."  That really hurt me, because if that person only knew how I feel about myself they wouldn't have said that. I am sorry to anyone I have ever made feel that way.  Please know that I don't think myself better than anyone else.  I didn't intend for this post to go there, but it did.  *phew*

I just want to be a better Christian.  A better wife, a better mother, a better person. 

~Sally

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