My last post from an actual computer was awhile ago. It feels good to be able to type on an actual keyboard and look up at the monitor. Not to mention I have missed blogging, not that I ever really stuck with my commitment to it; I just have had some words and feelings in my brain lately that are screaming to get out. I feel I must warn you of what you are about to read. My mind has been a chaotic place lately (more so than usual), and sometimes it is not pretty. This post will not have a beginning, middle, and end...it will be all over the place. Happy, sad, angry, confused, spiritual, secular, thoughtful, thoughtless, selfish, content, etc. You see where I am going with this? Feel free to stop reading now, I won't be offended. Does anyone read this thing anyway? Doesn't matter; I need this release.
We've been stateside for a little over 3 months. I went through my stage of grief over losing our place in the Army. Everything I was afraid of happening, has happened. What I didn't realize was that we were starting to be ostracized before we even received orders sending us back home. I was hurt, angry, sad, depressed, confused and yet I tried so hard to fit in. How do you fit in a place where you already live? Fast forward to when we left Germany. It was like "BAM!" here we are back at square one. Everything the WTU prepared Travis for, never came to light. The VA doesn't seek you out to help you; you must go to them and you must beg them for help. Because Travis suffers such great memory loss and his PTSD isn't so wonderful to deal with on a good day....I am his personal assistant, more or less. This means that I am the one on the phones, calling people and getting bounced from person to person. Travis was out of pain meds 2 weeks after we arrived. Because he was on transition leave, the VA clinic (that we went to) said they wouldn't touch him because he was still active duty. We took his prescriptions, hand-written scripts for a NARCOTIC by the way, to an active duty base....guess what!? They wouldn't fill them. Surprise, surprise! I guess thats what happens when you put an incompetent "doctor" (and I use that term very loosely) in charge of wounded warriors and dope them up instead of helping them recover. In fact, the whole Warrior Transition Unit in Germany is a CROCK of CRAP! Let's dope up our wounded service men and women until they become shells of their former selves and hope for the best....THEN let's give them a bunch of classes to take that really do NOTHING in preparation for transition and hope the information overload will come across as informative and helpful....THEN let's HANDWRITE PRESCRIPTIONS FOR NARCOTICS AND SEND THEM BACK STATESIDE WITH NO FOLLOW UP....THEN let's wait forever to send their paperwork to the VA (which we neglected to tell them has a 60 waiting period AFTER the day are discharged)...then when they need help, let's pretend we never knew who they were. PREPOSTEROUS!! For those of you "in the know" do everything you can to keep your husbands/friends/wives out of the WTU or at least insist on your loved one getting better care. Needless to say, I had to make a call to the regional VA office and insist that Travis get his pain meds....because who knew a fractured spine (that wasn't even allowed to heal properly) could hurt?! MOVING ON....
We came home with the hopes (and expectation, because really...we hadn't seen family in sooo long) that our families would welcome us back with open arms and help us out. For the most part, this is true. We came back to a crap-storm of epic proportions; suffice it to say that family feuds were at the tamer end of the spectrum. I love my family for helping us out, but can you really expect me to be ok with my toddler in that environment?! I felt so unwanted/unwelcome most of the time....I prayed for GOD above to find a place for us to live. I love my family, I truly do, and that is why I pray for them DAILY. Thank JESUS an opportunity arose for us to purchase a home; the perfect home for us. Our house is a work in progress; we didn't get the biggest or most spacious house on the block...but it fits our small family. Speaking of family; I miss my family in Germany whom I could rely on to help me when I needed it. Thank GOD I don't have to have constant care for TJ, because I cannot find stable help in watching him at all. I am disappointed. Then again...he is my kid.
I had a hard time accepting life as a civilian once again....I walked around making sure EVERYONE knew that I was not your average civilian. Call it arrogance, but I needed SOMETHING to remind me of my Army family. Life out here is rough people. I still cannot find a job. Probably not helping that we picked the state with the highest unemployment rate in which to live. Whatever. Travis is working and just got a promotion, I am so proud of him. His doctor is concerned with Travis working and if I am to be honest...so am I. He already has enough to deal with, what with his injuries acting up. I just pray that someone doesn't do something to set him off....it won't end well.
There are so many nights I feel so alone. I think I have cried more in the past 3 months than I have in the past 3 years. I still can't watch shows or movies with a baby being born without having flashbacks to my own experience and bawling my eyes out. We haven't conceived and we've been trying. I REFUSE to become obsessed about it...but it still hurts because I want to give our son a sibling. I am thankful for our son, so spare me the "but you already have one..." stuff. I am not selfish for wanting another child. My son is everything to me; sometimes I fail as a mother but I love him with all I have. Sometimes I feel like all I have isn't enough though. I lost it with him today. Since before TJ was even conceived, Travis and I discussed our desires for discipline. We decided to be non-spanking parents. I swatted TJ's bottom. Only once and I immediately grabbed him and apologized. He just wouldn't listen and telling him no only got me so far. He cried like I've never heard and immediately opened his arms to me. I'm a hypocrite; I've written papers on the repercussions of spanking. I cried so hard over it that I made him cry. Not good. I think I may still have Post Partum issues that have not been dealt with. I prayed; I heard nothing in return.
I did receive a breakthrough at church this past Sunday. A small one, but a breakthrough nonetheless. The enemy has been attacking me something fierce. I can feel it in my mind as I sleep; I wake up so tired as though I've literally been through battle. I'm not praying as much as I should. Nor do I read my Bible as often as I should. Sometimes it's all I can do to just say His name: Jesus. I need prayer people....lots of it.
God did bless us with a beautiful home and money to fix things and food to eat, clothes to wear, cars to drive. I take none of it for granted; I know it could all be gone in an instant. Sometimes people are gone in an instant too. I've been thinking about my loved ones who have passed away. My unborn children, my older brother, and my father are at the forefront of my mind. I wonder what my babies would have looked like if things had been different? Are they with God? I pray they are so I can see them in heaven. Is my brother in heaven? Does he know I often think of him? Does he know I forgive him? Did he forgive me? Did my dad go to heaven? Did he really find peace before he died? Only God knows.
I am jobless, but hopeful that something will come my way. I need to put my son in daycare so he can interact with other kids his own age. I need to get my butt in gear and pray about my education; where will I go, what will I do? Only God knows, but I wish He would tell me. Forgiveness, mercy, grace, defeat, unholy, unrighteous. Just words floating through my head right now. This has been a very cathartic blog for me. I passed judgement in this blog; I am truly sorry. However, I cannot be sorry for speaking my mind. Too often I suck it up and take what people give or I get too aggressive and let them have it. I need to come up with a way to politely, yet firmly, make my opinions/beliefs known. I get tired of people taking advantage of me and I get tired of people calling me stuck up. I really get tired of people's body image issues. Quit comparing yourself to the men/women in magazines. You will NEVER be them. Besides, if you are trying to look the way someone else wants you to? You'll never be happy, because they never will. I am not stuck up by the way; I am extremely shy around strangers and when I am put in an awkward situation (say, in a crowd of people who use curse words at every turn..) I clam up and people mistake my quietness for being stuck up. No, being stuck up would imply that I think I am better than you. I don't think I am better than anyone. I may have different morals or values, but your humanity is no less important than mine. God loves us all, why is that so hard to understand!? I have to sit and listen to you drop f-bombs and I am expected to take it, but the moment I mention how Jesus saved my life...I am a zealot? I pray for you.
Here I sit, in a beautiful house with my gorgeous husband and son, typing on a really nice computer...yet I complain. Do you people see why I call myself imperfect?! Because I am IMPERFECT. I make mistakes. Thank you for pointing out my indiscretions; because really I couldn't see them myself. Why do you think I pray or go to church or read my bible?! I KNOW I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS!!
I am tired. This blog was all over the place see? I may even make a few people mad; not my intention. I just needed to get all these crazy words and feelings out of my mind, clear up some space. I will continue to do updates and what not. Let you know progress in our lives. I miss my Army family, but the people in my life ARE my family and I am grateful for them. I love and cherish each and every one of you. TJ walks, talks, and drives me crazy but I wouldn't change a thing about him. He is a blessed and highly favored little man. He says HI to everyone he sees, brings a smile to the face of everyone he meets; thank you GOD for a blessing. My husband looks at my body (which I gave up trying to perfect) and calls me sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, and the hottest woman ever. He prays, talks to God, loves me and our son, provides for our family, and loves Jesus. What more could I ask for?
Until next time peeps.
~Sally
4 comments:
((Huge hugs)) things always work out in the long run. Just getting there can be exhausting and trying. The bumps in life's road define who we are and you, my friend, are awesome as a mother, wife and friend! Louise xx
not sure how wanting to look like a woman in a magazine means i'll never be happy.. i feel like thats an unfair judgement made on your part. i think not wanting to improve your body, is lazy and means you have grown content. now dont get me wrong.. i think at every stage of one's progress towards a fit/healthy body.. they should love what's they have and be confident in that fact... but just giving up, not really acceptable.
While reading this I thought it was something that I wrote, I had to keep reminding myself that there were not my words. I felt the same way when Russell was medically retired...I didn't understand how I could feel this way. I hated life in the Army. What I didn't know is how much I would miss it 3 years later. I didn't realize how much pride I had in being an Army wife. I too, had that "arrogant" feeling when expressing to people that I was not an "ordinary" civilian. I miss it so much, but this is life now and I have to come to terms with that. We are both so truly blessed! We both have beautiful healthy children and we both suffer as our husbands do. Coming into civilian life was scary for me, I didn't know what to expect since I had been a SAHM for a year and Rus knew nothing but military standards. The classes they put him through to "prepare" him for civilian life were nothing to rely on. None of the information was helpful. And to come out of it thinking you had all the support in the world only to be backhanded was rough. I get so tired of people telling me that they can not speak with me about MY HUSBANDS issues! I MARRIED HIM!
I felt the same way with my family. My own mother told me that she refused to get close to my children as I would "just pack them up and take them away"...I don't understand and I never will understand how 1) you could say/feel that way about your grandchildren and 2) why you can't understand that if the Army wants my husband back in they WILL get him back in! It is no choice of mine, my husbands or my children. I married him thinking he was going to make it a career and knowing that was his job and I have to expect to be ready to go with the flow of whatever happens.
I pray for you and your beautiful family! I pray that you are able to conceive another little beauty and that you all can live happily! Over time you will come to peace that this is life now. Some days are better then others. I think there will always be days where I want it all back, but then I remember those days when I just wanted civilian life back...I don't think there is a happy median. lol Hugs!
Danielle
May God bless your womb, tubes,hormones..anything hindering and give you the easiest pregnancy ever.. and a house of peace that leaves you blissful with ministry opportunities for you to teach and give words, ever wondering what amazing surprise will come from him next.
If you are hungry to learn. maybe check out sid roth he is a jewish investigative journalist who explores supernatural miracles of Yeshua.. There was one on there once about a little girl who saw babies that had been miscarried/aborted growing up in Heaven.. I have had my own losses and I too feel that they are growing up happy.
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